The slap updates
by JadeWest1234
Summary: Hey it's me. I just found the slap updates that the characters updated on the slap. Chapter 1;Jade West, Chapter 2;Cat Valentine.(forgot to mention that in chapter 1;) Leave a review if u can thanks;) Beck,Cat,Robbie,Rex and Jades slap updates are updated, who do u want me to do next
1. Chapter 1Jade's slap updates

Hi its me JadeWest1234 im ok so don't worry.; Ok so i was planning to do a short story to tell you about all the people slap updates if you haven't read them on the internet yet ok so each person will go in chapters Jade will be the first one.

List of Jade West updates;

**Jade:** Isn't it awesome that my boyfriend joined TheSlap and never told me? Awesome.

**Cat:** No way! What a jerk! No offense, Beck, I think you're awesome.

**Beck:** Thanks, Cat. Jade, I joined two hours ago.

**Jade:** Yeah, exactly. TWO HOURS!

**Jade:** I hate lullabyes. Why would you sing to a baby while they're trying to sleep? Oh yeah, I hate babies.

**Cat:** Do you hate my profile page? Cuz there's baby heads all over it.

**Jade:** I hate October.

**Jade:** My dreams are exhausting. I wake up needing a nap.

**Jade:** Mustard is disgusting. Also, if you wear pink, I really don't like you.

**Cat:** I wear pink and I eat mustard. Do you hate me? Please say no.

**Jade:** You have no idea the hatred I feel for most people.

**Cat:** Phew. At least I'm not most people. I'm Cat.

**Jade:** Do you think an orange is named after the color or the fruit? If you even thought about that for 2 seconds, you're stupider than I thought.

**Jade:** Merry Christmas, losers.

**André:** And a merry Christmas to you, my lady.

**Jade:** Happy Valentine's Day (to Beck only).

**Beck:** Thank you, babe. Movies tonight?

**Jade:** You know how I love the dark! See ya there.Current Avatar.

Added by Catsvalentine

**Jade:** What I'm doing right now is none of your business.

**Jade:** Met a new girl this week. I won't say who she is. I'll only say that she sung Make It Shine in the Big Showcase. And her name is Tori Vega.

**Jade:** Sometimes I think that I'm having fun and then I realize I'm not.

**Jade:** Got a haircut today. Didn't even hurt. Such a waste of time.

**Jade:** Dogs are cute on TV, but in reality they're just balls of fur that drool on you.

**Jade:** I got hit in the eye by TORI.

**Jade:** I liked volcanic ash before, but now that my teacher is stuck in London for an indefinite amount of time, I like it even more!

**Robbie:** Wanna hear my song about volcanic ash?

**Jade:** No.

**Jade:** You know what matches black? Black. Why waste time with all those other colors?

**Jade:** Oh great. Spring is here. All the things I hate: Sun, allergies, and girls who go to the beach in tiny bikinis.

**Cat:** Yay, let's go to the beach! BTW, I got a new bikini! It's yellow and has pink polka dots on it!

**Jade:** Beck and I are NOT breaking up- No matter what you hear!

**Beck:** Well-

**Jade:** Shut it, Beck.

**Jade:** Comment on stuff you hate! I'm working on a What I Hate video!

**Jade:** Sweating is for morons.

**Jade:** I love it when it rains and people get scared and pull over on a freeway. It's not like a meteor shower, people!

**Jade:** You know what I hate? When people stick the same knife they used for the jelly in the peanut butter jar. What if I just want peanut butter. Gross!

**Jade:** Bad thing about summer is how long it stays light out. Every day seems like an eternity.

**Jade:** Dear girl sitting next to me at the movies, your hair is an obnoxious color. Dye it anything but that.

**Cat:** Do you mean me? Sent from Cat's mobile phone.

**Jade:** Get off the phone and watch the movie!

**Jade:** Yep, it's that time of the month again. Time for a new What I Hate video. Enjoy it. Or don't.

**Jade:** My mom says "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all." My mom's stupid.

**Jade:** Pink stinks.

**Tori:** The color?

**Jade:** Yep. Just needed to be said.

**Jade:** The next person I hear using the phrase "Staycation" is getting a black eye.

**Jade:** Has anyone seen Sikowitz?

**Sikowitz:** I'm on TheSlap.

**Jade:** Yeah...but you're not in class.

**Sikowitz:** Nor will I be until my demands are met.

**Jade:** You sound like a crazy person.

**Jade:** People shouldn't talk in the bathroom. I hate people yapping while I'm taking a waz!

**Jade:** Thursdays have no redeeming qualities.

**Jade:** This is a crisis. My day's completely ruined. just found out that "killing me softly" is a really sweet song.

**Jade:** In the janitor's office... destroying stuff...

**Jade:** I HATE Valentine's Day BUT I do think it would be fun to be cupid. Flying around shooting people with arrows and what not.

**Jade:** The flowers Beck bought me for Valentine's Day are ALMOST dead. Woo hoo!

**André: **You are one twisted sister.

**Jade:** The only good thing about costume design class is all the many different types of scissors we get to play with. Fun.

**Jade:** I'd like to fast forward through high school and get to the goood stuff!

**Jade:** The best part about being in a movie is being able to slap people and call it "acting".

**Cat:** Your acting made my face hurt. :(

**Jade:** I hate rainbows. After it rains, L.A.'s all nice and gloomy and they come along and ruin it.

**Jade:** Which do you think is worse? Being caught lip synching or falling off the stage? I can't decide. I find both hilarious.

**Jade:** I got a new look going on. Don't compliment me on it. I don't need your compliments.

**Tori:** It looks… nice? Is that a okay word to use?

**Jade:** Dear lemonade, I like you most when you're bitter... and in a can.

**Jade:** Now that I've accomplished my dream of pushing Tori off a 3 story building, I don't know what to do with my life.

**Jade: **I'm so sick of ice cream right now. Just hearing the word "ice cream" makes me want to puke.

**Rex: **Ice Cream

**Tori: **Ice Cream

**André: **Ice Cream

**Jade: **I HATE you all!

**Jade: **Alright, who gave Sinjin my phone number? Fess up

**Sinjin: **It was Robbie.

**Robbie: **Dude!

**Jade: **Wait... who gave Robbie my phone number?

**Jade: **Why does our school even have 1st-floor windows if you're not allowed to push people out of them?

**Jade: **Wouldn't it be horrible if Tori was too injured and/or missing to be in the play tonight?!

**Sikowitz: **Jade, I've already told you not to passive-aggressively threaten the leading lady.

**Jade: **Saturday night. Kind of bored. Think I'll go destroy Tori's "Prome" (which is a totally stupid name by the way).

**Jade:** I'm planning on having a Hawaiian wedding. That way, if anyone objects, I can throw them in the nearest volcano.

**Jade: **I hate when people say "I'll pencil you in". Um, no one uses pencils anymore.

**Jade: **What's black and white and red all over? Me. I have a black & white dress on OVER my completely sunburned skin! #ReasonToStayInside

**Beck: **I told you to wear sunscreen.

**Jade: **You should know that I never do anything anyone tells me to do.

**Jade:** I'm judging a 7th grade art show tonight. Gonna make some middle schoolers cry! Sounds like my kinda night!

**Jade: **Another day of sunshine?! Are you kidding me LA?!

**Jade:** Today is my birthday. I know I said I hate birthdays… but I just meant everyone else's. Not mine. Mine's cool.

**Tori:** Happy Birthday!

**Jade:** Don't patronize me.

**Tori:** Sorry, sheesh!

**Jade:** I took home my dissected frog from science class. I named him "Gutsy"

**Cat:** I would have named him Hopper!

**Jade**: Uh, maybe six months ago that name would have been better, Cat.

**Jade**: If you have more than 2 bumper stickers on your car...I hate you!

**Festus:** Say one bad thing about my Grub Truck and I ban you for life.

**Jade:** Yeah, well I'll get my ravioli from some other truck.

**Jade**: My family is planning a trip to Florida. Hurricanes, giant spiders, and old people. I can barely contain my excitement.

**Jade:** I just thought of something I DON'T hate: Seeing girls with 6" high heels trip and fall over at the mall. Just so satisfying.

**Jade: **Beck's taking me on a date to a movie in a cemetery. Looks like he's finally figured out what makes girls happy. About time.

**Jade: **Y'know, being a door to door knife salesman would be a perfect cover for a serial killer.

**Andre: **You terrify me sometimes.

**Jade: **Yeah, I'd be REEEEEEALLY broken up if Tori was kicked out of Hollywood Arts. And it would be TERRIBLE to win the lottery too, wouldn't it?

**Beck: **I thought we talked about this? You said you'd stop being mean to Tori on TheSlap.

**Jade: **I say a lot of nice things about Tori on TheSlap but somehow they never post to my profile. #weird.

**Jade: **If I had a pool, I'd buy a pet shark and some leeches. Then I'd have a pool party!

**Cat: **Yeah! Pool party!

**Jade: **I gotta say Tori, that was one of the best plays I've ever seen! Congratulations!

**Tori: **You only liked it because my sister got hurt, the set was destroyed, and the play was ruined!

**Jade: **True. But I don't give compliments often so you should take what you can get.

**Jade: **Someone asked me to "babysit" their poodle. They didn't appreciate that I shaved it. Not sure what they expected would happen.

**Jade: **The bad news: I think I have the whooping cough. The good news: My voice sounds really sultry now.

**Jade:** Been text-fighting Beck all day. My fingers are starting to hurt. Time to start yelling at him in person.

**Jade: **What do you think would be worse? Being stuck on a desert island with Tori or having to talk to Sinjin for more than 5 minutes?

**Tori: **C'mon, I'm not that bad.

**Sinjin**: I can't believe Jade just talked about me in a status update!

**Jade:** Sinjin sat his stupid butt on my fave scissors and now he's in the hospital getting stitches. What's he crying about? My scissors are RUINED!

**Jade:** I just bought a package of the hottest peppers that can legally be sold in the US. Whose sandwich should I hide one in first?

**Jade: **One more thing I hate about Halloween: I never know if I'm walking thru a real spiderweb or a fake one. Ugh.

**Jade:** I hate when I order miso soup and the waiter asks if I want soup with that. Why would I want soup with my soup!?

**Jade:** I was going to help this little old lady with her bags at the grocery store, but then I remembered that I don't help people.

**Jade:** Dear Hollywood Arts, I'll actually play a school sport when you get a Roller Derby team. I like any sport where you're allowed to elbow someone in the face.

**Lane:** Wait, aren't you already on the school Ping Pong team?

**Jade:** Oh. Right… That's totally a real thing.

**Jade:** I hate that Black Friday is just a day where everyone goes shopping at the mall. What a waste of a cool holiday name.

**Jade:** Loud talkers should be taken into a tiny room and shouted at for hours until they get how annoying it is.

**Jade:** Ugh… I'm Tori's Secret Santa. What did I ever do to Christmas that it hates me so much?!

**Jade:** I like to think of vending machines as big glass piñatas. Which is why I'm not allowed to take a bat to school anymore.

**Jade:**Any day you get to use a bone saw is a good day.

**Jade:** I really like Ebenezer Scrooge. He seems like my kind of dude. Well, that is until the end when he gets all happy and annoying.

**Jade:** Why is everyone so pumped for 2012? Isn't the world supposed to end this year? Actually that sounds pretty exciting.

**Jade:** First day back at school and we get leftovers at the Grub Truck! Ummm, is this leftovers from two weeks ago?

**Festus:** Some food is better when left to ripen.

**Tori:** Not meatloaf!

**Jade:** Beck wants to take me to a musical, but I'm not sure I'll be able to hear it over the sound of my own gagging.

**Jade:** I hate people whose names rhyme. That's right… I'm talking to you Sherman Berman.

**Andre:** Hey don't mess with Sherman. He's good people.

**Cat:** Yeah, plus his name's really fun to say. Sherman Berman. Sherman Berman.

**Jade:** I HATE the fact that I got detention this Saturday but I LOVE the fact that Tori got it too. I'm so conflicted.

**Jade:** Seriously, is everyone at this school vegan? Makes me wanna eat a medium-rare extra-bloody prime rib out of spite.

**Jade: **I hate baby food! What, is chewing too hard for you babies? Well, why don't you stop crying and grow some teeth already!

**Sikowitz:** Geez, who sprinkled bitterness in your coffee this morning?

**Jade:** Hey Robbie and Andre, if you can see this status update... IT'S HAMMAR TIME!

**Andre:** Awww, man.

**Robbie:** Nooooo, I'm on the toilet!

**Jade:** Do it anyway!

**Jade:** Grammar lesson! It's not "Look, it's a pic of Beck and I" it's "Look, it_s '__**a'**__ pic of Beck and Me"! Get it right, people!_

**Jade**: Yeah, yeah. Beck and I broke up. Can we talk about something else now… like how annoying Tori is?

**Tori:** Look I know you're hurt, but don't drag me into this.

**Jade:** I'm giving you 10 seconds to delete your comment.

**Tori:** I don't know how. :(

**Jade:** I refuse to bless people after they sneeze. What, just cuz your nose had a spasm you think people should care?

**Jade: **I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT! HOPE THIS DOESN'T MAKE BECK JEALOUS!

**Cat: **But I thought you were coming over tonight to help me watch my mom's boss's dog.

**Jade: **SHUT UP!

**Jade:** I hate when I think of something that I hate, but forget what it is when it's time to write it down.

**Jade:** On a forced play date with Tori. Yes, it's as horrible as it sounds. I officially hate Sikowitz.

**Jade:** I hate D.J.s. Oh wow, you can place a record on a record player. Congratulations!

**Jade:** Heads up people: Tomorrow, on St. Patrick's Day, I will NOT be wearing green. And if anyone tries to pinch me… I will do bad things to them.

**Jade:** I can't believe I was so nice to Tori today. April Fools' Day does weird things to a person.

**Jade: **Hey Easter Bunny, do you care that 25 million Americans have diabetes? No, don't worry, just keep handing out sugar-coated chocolate eggs.

**Jade: **I don't like driving during the day… but I'll make an exception to drive Tori somewhere "special."

**Tori: **You're really freaking me out right now.

**Jade: **Had to wear a pink dress today for a role. I quit the play. I think everyone won.

**Jade: **Dear people of the internet: putting a vintage filter on your photos doesn't make your lame trip to the supermarket suddenly cooler.

**Jade: **Going to go explore a creepy abandoned mall this weekend. Anyone wanna come?

**Tori: **Sounds fun! Is it legal?

**Jade: **Uh...yeah?

**Jade: **If you just emailed me something, you don't need to then IM and text me to tell me that you emailed me. I'll get it.

**Jade: **So yeah, I let Tori perform on the Platinum Music Awards instead of me. Whatever. The stupid costume they made is itchy anyways.

**Jade: **At the pharmacy. Across the counter there's a prescription marked "T. Vega". I'm dying to see what it is.

**Tori: **What? Don't look in it!

**Jade:** Too late. Just did. It's foot fungus cream

**Jade: **I don't know why everyone loves that video of the piano-playing dog. He can't even keep a decent tempo. Amateur.

**Andre: **You know, for once I agree with you.

**Jade:** Just wanna write down some things I hate: rainbows, award shows, the fact that the status can't fit all the stuff I hate.

**Jade: **I have no eyebrows and I'm really mad about it... even if my brows can't properly show emotion right now.

**Jade**: Im so gonna get you Cat

**Jade**: I absolutely love when celebrities try to make a joke on award shows and they just bomb. Live awkwardness is the best!

**Jade: **I'm so sad hockey season is over. I saw two dudes fighting on the street today, but they weren't on skates. It just wasn't the same.

**Jade: **Papparazzi is everywhere at the Grove today. Barely any room to walk. Thank you Kourtney for showing up and ruining my Friday.

**Jade:** Starring in a movie where my character is "clueless." I've been studying Cat for years so I think I can pull it off.

**Cat: **Glad I could help!

**Jade: **A TV star just moved into the house next door. But it's just a basic cable TV star so I'm not that excited.

**Jade:** For some reason I let Robbie borrow my phone and now it's all janked up. Man, Robbie ruins everything he touches.

**Jade: **I just can't take any monster seriously that lives in a lagoon. Sorry Creature from the Black Lagoon. Maybe if you switched locations.

**Jade:** I hate when you go to a new restaurant and you match the waitresses' uniform - 3 people asked me for a menu on my way to the bathroom!

**Jade:** In the TV show I'm writing, I play the main character and her evil twin.

Rex: Well you won't have to act much to play the evil twin.

**Jade:** You know, some people love to go to the beach and sit for hours waiting for the sunrise. I hate those people.

**Jade:** Even as a child, I only ever used the black crayon.

**Jade: **I'm really sick but showed up to school anyway. I'm trying to see if I can aim my sneezes at people.

**Jade: **Although I reallllllllyyyyyy don't want to babysit anyone's kids, I'm kind of offended that no one ever asks me to do it.

**Jade:** Ugh! Hanging out with the Vega sisters all night is literally the worst thing I can think of. Well that and being squashed by a meteor.

**Jade:** This is kind of a strange question, but does anyone have a pair of bolt cutters I could borrow?

**Tori: **I do. But will I regret letting

**Jade:** ... probably.

**Jade:** I'm currently outside in a back alley watching two nerds slap themselves. Has my life really come to this?

**Jade:** I hate wire hangers. Seriously mom, you couldn't spend the extra 5 cents for the plastic ones? Ugh. I have hanger anger.

**Jade: **There are three sushi places within walking distance. But I hate walking. So I ate a nasty sushi roll from The Grub Truck. I'm lazy sometimes.

**Jade: **The guy at the coffee place put raisins in my oatmeal! I HATE RAISINS! No one talk to me for the rest of the day!

**Jade:** Tori is soooo pathetic trying to impress Moose. Can anyone come over and help me fit into this wedding dress?

**Jade:** I don't love much, but I love my Zombie Smasher game. If you haven't played it yet, don't talk to me until you have.

**Jade:** It really annoys me that everyone's going to look like me on Halloween. I think I'll wear pink to stand out.

**Jade: **I love the fall. I can go outside at 5 pm and not have to deal with it being all bright and cheery out. Take that, sun!

**Jade:** 1) Beck and I are back together again. 2) All girls must stay at least 30 feet away from him at all times. 3) I'm not kidding.

**Jade:** Why are sweater sleeves never the right size? It's like they only design winter gear for short-armed weirdos.

**Robbie:** As a short-armed American, I find your comment offensive.

**Jade:** Eh, why don't you just go and scratch the middle of your back. Oh that's right, you can't!

**Robbie:** :(

**Jade:** Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice, right? Then how do I keep getting presents? Cuz I haven't been "nice" in a long time.

**Jade:** I'm watching a movie about a green guy who steals Christmas presents, and it's giving me a lot of good ideas.

**Jade**: As a fan of the number 13, I think this will be a spectacular year for me.

**Jade:** Why is everyone laughing at me today? Did I turn into Burf overnight or something?

**Rex:** I don't NOSE. Why would they be laughing at you?

**Tori:** Check out Pear Maps. I think you'll have a bone to PICK with it.

**Beck:** Guys don't be mean. It's SNOT what it looks like.

**Jade:** You know what I could buy with $10,000? A new tooth! Which I now need because of that stupid game show. Thanks Tori.

**Jade:** Great, I'm the star of the worst short film of all time. I mean, I was great but everything else was terrible! (Especially Robbie.)

**Jade:** My favorite part about Tori getting dragged by a dog while attempting to sing the National Anthem was all of it.

**Jade:** What's so hard to understand about a bunless, meatless, dairyless cheeseburger? Get it together Inside-Out Burger!

**Tori:** Ummm, what's left? Did you just want them to serve you air?


	2. Chapter 2 Cat's slap updates

**Hey so this is chapter 2 with Cat's quotes hope you like it;) thx:)**

**Cat**: Happy 4th of July! Did you ever wonder why they call it 4th of July?!

**Cat**: Did you ever wonder how your brain tells your toes to move? Do brains have toe sections?

**Cat**: I'm doing a peanut butter and jelly dance right now. But you can't see it.

**Cat**: What should I be for Halloween?

**Jade**: Be a cat. You'll be less confused.

Added by SterolineMango

**Cat**: I don't get it.

**Jade**: A cat. Since your name is CAT! You won't forget what you are, like you did last year.

**Cat**: Oooooh, I get it now! Yeah last year was confusing, I was a fox and people kept calling me CAT!

**Cat**: Hey, Tori. Welcome to . Oooooh, I keep writing on my own board! :(

**Cat**: My dog has a black nose. It's like a baby meatball. So cute! - Stage Fighting

**Cat**: I like to yodel. I usually do it at home, but sometimes I do it at the grocery store. Everyone stares.

**Cat**: Last night I dreamt of tiny pink bubbles and when they popped they sounded like little kids giggling.

**Cat**: I love going to the park and looking at baby squirrels. Oh, and sometimes one of them throws a nut at me. I don't like that part.

**Cat**: I thought the ball freshener from the Sky Store was the most AWESOME thing ever, but THEN I discovered the world's first earlobe massager.

**Tori**: Cat, why am I getting packages sent to YOU at MY HOUSE?

**Cat**: Hmmm... not sure what you're talking about. Must be a different Cat Valentine. Classic mixup. I'll make sure it gets to the OTHER Cat. Can I come grab it after school?

**Tori**: Fine. And btw, who needs an ankle bracelet that detects if you're within 20 feet of a deer in the middle of Los Angeles?

**Cat**: Deer are so cute!

**Cat**: Is it true that sweat & pee are cousins?

**Cat**: Do you think that dogs who wear clothes get made of fun by the other dogs who don't? I hope not. 'Cuz they're so cute!

**Cat**: Sometimes when I look out of my window, a random feather just falls from the sky. I wonder if there's a balding bird up there somewhere.

**Cat**: I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU GUYS! MY CAPS LOCK IS JUST STUCK! PLEASE DON'T BE MAD!

**Beck**: Just hit the caps lock button again.

**Cat**: ooooooooohhhhhhh. thanks, beck.

**Cat**: I've been thinking about what a bald bird would look like and I can't stop giggling. Poor bird. Wonder if they make bird wigs

**Cat**: I just bought a star on the Internet. My goal is to buy so many stars that I can spell out my name in the sky. Good idea?

**Cat**: I just ate sooooooooo much soup. When I walk, I can hear waves of soup swishing in my tummy.

**Robbie**: What kind of soup? I love broccoli cheddar but I'm allergic to cheese :(

**Cat**: Is happy!

**Jade**: Why?

**Cat**: Why what?

**Jade**: Why are you happy?

**Cat**: I'm not. I'm actually really sad today (Just heard flies live for only ONE day). :(

**Jade**: Then why does your status say "Is happy!"?

**Cat**: Oh, that was a typo.

**Cat**: What did the young shrimp say when his mom asked him why he wouldn't share his toys?

**Robbie**: You've already told everyone that joke! Enough Already!

**Jade**: Say that joke again and I de-friend you. In real life.

**Cat**: I'm a little shellfish. Get it?!

**Cat**: I counted my eyelashes today. On my right eye, I have 153 eyelashes - which is more than the average person. Go me!

**Cat**: I wish people would stop the cruel practice of bear-knuckle fighting. What did the bear ever do to you?

**Cat**: Hangin' out at Paramour Studios with Crystal Waters.

**Tori** : You know you don't have to call me Crystal Waters anymore. We already got Beck his job back.

**Cat**: Oh hi Crystal!

**Cat**: I'VE GOT A NEW BOYFRIEND! His name is Daniel. His hair is fuzzy.

**Cat**: Got a new boyfriend, punched Tori in the face, broke up with boyfriend, and got hot cheese in my ear. Not exactly in that order, but...

**Cat**: Why do all my therapists keep retiring early? It's such a strange coincidence. :(

**Cat**: I haven't tweeted in almost 4 hours. It's not that I didn't want to, but it's really hard to tweet when you're asleep.

**Cat**: Halloween's my FAVORITE holiday! Well, after Christmas... and Thanksgiving... and New Years... and Labor Day... and Arbor Day... oh, and Groundhog's Day...

**Cat**: If shorts are called "shorts", why don't they call pants "longs"?

**Cat**: Cheerio! (That's English for Hello. Well, not English-English but British-English.) I guess I could've just said hi. Hi!

**Cat: **Guess what me and Jade are doing this weekend? Karaoke!

**Sikowitz**_: _Did you know in Japanese, Karaoke literally means "to sing as if dying"

**André: **Actually the literal translation is "empty orchestra."

**Sikowitz**: Oh well, yeah. I tend to make things up.

**Cat**: I'm lying on the floor in the shape of an "S" right now. Hahaha. This is fun.

**Cat**: I don't know why I'm craving carrots so badly**?**

**Jade**: Maybe it's because you've been watching your neighbor's rabbit for a week**.**

**Cat**: OMG. That's why!

**Cat: **OMG, it's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

**Robbie: **What is?!

**Cat:** I don't remember. I wrote that like 10 minutes ago.

**Cat**: Almonds are a girl's best friend!

**Jade**: You know it's "DIAMONDS are a girl's best friend" right?

**Cat**: OOOOH, that makes so much more sense**.**

**Cat**: When do I have to stop saying, "It's a Christmas miracle!" February?

**Cat**: Happy 1/11/11! The ONLY thing cooler will be 11/11/11!

**Jade**: How about winning the lottery? That would probably be cooler.

**Cat**: I average about 407 texts a day. do you think that is too much? text ya later!

**Cat**: I heard that Valentine's Day was started by this guy named Valentine who just wanted a day named after him. I think he was my uncle.

**Cat**: My BF Daniel is mad at me. I didn't show up to dinner on V-Day. I totally forgot I was dating him. Oops.

**Cat: **My brother was arrested again. Apparently Santa Monica law doesn't allow you to swim in JUST your underwear. Well, now he knows.

**Cat**: I wish I could pick up more things with my toes. Life would be so much easier.

**Cat: **I wonder if Alaska and Hawaii ever feel left out.

**Cat**: Is there any good reason why a grown man would soak his feet in chicken fat?

**Cat: **What's the deal with hotel soap? Why is it so tiny?

**Beck: **Still doing your 80's comedian routine?

**Cat: **No, I really NEED to know. I'm on vacation and I'm really dirty.

**Cat:** I'm going to write the first thought that pops into my head. Okay here goes: "Guacamole Swimming Pool." K. Bye.

**Cat: **I quit my job at Northstar. All of the emergency calls started to stress me out ... and the pay was terrible.

**Tori: **You know you didn't actually work there.

**Cat: **I LOVE my new costume design class! It's like Halloween every day of the year! Hooray!

**Cat: **Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow. Then I woke up, the giant marshmallow in my bed was gone!

**Beck: **I can never tell if you're joking or not.

**Cat: **How do snapping turtles snap? They don't have any fingers. I HAVE fingers and I can't even snap!

**Cat: **How come only kids catch cooties? Is it because older people have already been vaccinated?

**Cat: **Hey friends! Check out my new blog! It's called CAT'S FUN PUN #1

**Cat: **Guess what I learned today? Baby food isn't that bad! Mashed carrots are delicious!

**Sinjin: **I like strawberry-banana.

**Robbie: **My fave is creamed peas.

**Sikowitz: **Coconut Medley is by far the best.

**Tori: **Guess what I learned today? All of my friends still eat baby food.

**Cat: **The best thing about Doug the Diaper Guy? He's not a party pooper! Oh... I just got that. HA! HA! HA!

**Cat: **Cowboys ride horses. Shouldn't they be called horseboys?

**Cat:** At the Asphalt Cafe on a beautiful June afternoon! Wait, do we ever get a summer vacation?

**André:** Did you notice NONE of us are there with you?

**Cat:** Yeah, did you all skip?

**Cat:** Gibby is fun to hang out with and all, but I really miss Roger Mole. Does anybody know what happened to that guy?

**Trina:** Yeah, and what ever happened to that hideous Patty Schwab chick?

**Cat:** I hate when my brother plays "Hide and Seek" with the police.

**Cat:** How come manatees are called Sea Cows, but Cows aren't called Land Manatees?

**Cat: **Sunday afternoon naps are the best! Friday afternoon naps just aren't the same.

**Cat: **Going to rock band camp! The booklet says: "Fans Allowed." Who's coming with me?

**Jade: **Cat, they're not talking about "people" fans. They're talking about electric fans.

**Cat: **Oh, darn.

**Cat:** Hi my name is Cat and I have a mustache. I call it Cat-stache

**Rex:** This status update is a Cat-Stache-Trophe!

**Cat: **Read my Daily-To-Do-List! I'm gonna be updating it everyday this whole week. So you gotta keep checking back to see 'em all. Click Here To See It!or here :)

**Cat:** I am going to make a new friend today - and that friend is Ryan Seacrest! Check out my daily planner to see what else I'm up to today...

**Cat:** You know what I just realized? You can't tickle yourself. Bummer. I like being tickled and I'm all alone!

**Robbie:** I can tickle myself!

**Rex:** Robbie, stop being weird.

**Cat:** Going to a Sri Lankan restaurant with Jade called "The Hot & Spicy Pepper Palace." She likes watching me sweat while I eat.

**Jade:** Don't worry, you'll be fine.

**Cat: **I had a dream last night that a ballerina and a dolphin were throwing peanuts at me. Dreams are so fun.

**Cat**: I accidentally Grizzly Glued my lips together. (Don't ask how!) So I won't be able to talk for a few days. But at least I can still hum!

**Cat: **Today's Cat Pun Fun is brought to you by the word "Catastrophe." Read my new blog to find out why!

**Cat: **I'm dating a new guy named Dusty. Ironically, he's very clean. His parents should have named him Soapy.

**Cat: **What should I have at my next party: A bounce house, water slide, or ball pit?

**Trina:** Cat, only kids have those at their parties.

**Cat: **What's that supposed to mean?!

**Cat:** How many high school boys does it take to change a light bulb?

**Tori:** I don't know Cat, how many?

**Cat:** I don't know! The light bulb in my bathroom is out and I need to know how many boys to call over to fix it.

**Beck:** Tori, you should never assume that Cat is telling a joke.

**Cat: **Running late for school today! My hair got stuck in the freezer again!

**Jade: **How on earth did that happen?

**Cat: **Cuz I was trying to see if my new hair dye exactly matched the color of a red ice pop! How else would it happen?

**Cat:** If given the choice between a bike and an alpaca, I'd chose the alpaca. You can ride both to school, but you can't snuggle with a bike!

**Cat: **Sometimes I wonder if my old nail polish gets sad when I take it off and put a new color on.

**Cat:** I got to use a giant pink umbrella today! Yay for rain!

**Cat:** I LOVE my new Jupiter Boots! They make life so much bouncier! Boing! Boing! Boing! Heeheehee!

**Cat: **I just met a celebrity at the grocery store! I totally forgot his name but he's that blond guy who was in that huge popular movie last summer! Wow!

**Jade: **Cat, you used so many words to tell us absolutely nothing at all. Congratulations.

**Cat: **My #1 goal in life had always been to drive around town in a giant cupcake. I feel very lucky. Not everyone achieves their goals in life.

**Cat:** I'm watching my French neighbor's cat. Does anyone know how to say "Don't pee in the house" in French? I don't think this cat speaks English.

**Cat:** I'm sick of waiting for Christmas! I want to celebrate it now! Ho! Ho! Ho!

**Jade:** You have no idea how much I hate you right now.

**Beck:** Jade hates whenever someone mentions Christmas BEFORE December 1st.

**Cat:** I'm sorry. Do you want me to make you some figgy pudding to cheer you up?

**Cat:** When I'm 98 years old, do you think I'll still be able to... ooh, pretty rainbow. Bye.

**Tori:** Okay, now I really want to know what you thought you wouldn't be able to do when you're 98!

**Cat:** Oh, I was wondering if I would be able to... OMG my brother just got his head stuck in the toilet. Bye.

**Tori:** I give up. Guess we'll never know.

**Cat:** My brother's outside howling at the moon again. Whenever he doesn't shave for a few days he thinks he's turning into a werewolf.

**Cat:** My doctor says I need therapy. Does aromatherapy count? I hope so, I love smelling things.

**Cat:** My brother told me he bought 23 Christmas trees. A few hours later, the cops took them back to the park, and replanted them.

**Cat:** If anyone wants FREE cotton candy, come see me! Larry the Candyman will be happy to make cotton candy for everyone!

**Tori:** Larry didn't seem that happy the last time I saw him.

**Robbie:** Yeah, he had a murderous look in his eye...

**Cat:** Oh that's just how he is. Classic Larry!

**Cat:** What do teachers do on half-days? I think they have a big tea party! I asked Sikowitz but he wouldn't tell me.

**Cat:** the Santa Monica Pier. Things were going great until I got yelled at by a mime. Mimes can be angry people sometimes.

**Cat:** Merry Christmas Eve Eve! Y'know, I should have done this update yesterday so I could have said Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve!

**Cat:** I LOVED 2011! I got to dress like broccoli, party with iCarly AND Ke$ha, and ride in a giant cupcake! 2012, can you top that?!

**Cat:** Yay! Only 353 days till Christmas! Yippeee!

**Jade: **STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

**Cat:** I may not be as smart as Einstein, but at least I can sing better! At least I think so... anyone know if Einstein was a good singer?

**Cat:** I'm bored. Is there anywhere in LA that I could go elephant riding? It's like the only thing I want to do right now. _**Mood:**__ Bored_

**Cat:** Yay! School on Saturday! It's like a vacation. No wait, it's the opposite. #Confused. _**Mood:**__ Excited_

**Cat:** Just bought some non-prescription glasses cuz I wanna look smart. Just call me Alfred Einstein! _**Mood:**__Brilliant_

**Tori: **ALBERT Einstein.

**Andre:** The glasses don't seem to be working.

**Cat:** Does my thumb look Spanish? _**Mood:**__ Wondering_

'_Cat'_**: **Dog-sitting my mom's boss' dog, Coober! You guys can come over if you want. Just don't call him Cooper. He hates that.

**Cat:** Hawaii doesn't sound the way it's spelled. Neither does Wednesday. English doesn't make sense.

**Cat:** I want to buy my dad a tie from Thailand. That's where all the best ties are made.

**Cat:** Having a bad day? Feeling down? Let me and Robbie cheer you up thru song! La! La! La! (See you feel better already!.

**Cat:** Happy Birthday Jade!

**Jade:** It's not my birthday.

**Cat:** Oh good, cuz I forgot to buy you a gift.

**Cat:** I'm so glad I'm in color again! I don't know how people in the 50s were able to live in black and white!

**Cat:**I always feel bad that dogs aren't allowed to eat chocolate. That's probably the number one reason I'm glad I'm not a dog.

**Cat: **I wish they made water-proof PearPhones. I always feel chatty while I'm in the shower.

**Cat: **Anyone wanna go to the ballet with me this weekend? I was going to take my brother but the judge said he's not allowed to be near ballerinas.

**Cat: **Apparently, most girls don't store candy in their bras. Weird. So where DO they keep their gumdrops?

**Cat:** Million dollar idea: High-heeled shoes that turn into flat shoes by hitting a button on a remote control. I'll call them Shorty Shoes.

**Cat: **I tried to do a self-portrait of my final art project, but it was too hard! So i drew a bunny with red hair instead. Maybe my teacher won't notice.

**Cat: **Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble. Bibble.

**Tori: **Uh, Cat . Watcha thinking about there?

**Cat: **Oh, nothing. Why?

** Cat: **I'm sleeping in a motel tonight because my brother accidentally flooded our house. On the plus side: complimentary tiny toothpaste!

**Cat:** I just drew a little man in my shoe, but now I can't wear a skirt because I'm afraid he'll see my underpants.

** Cat: **Am I still considered a redhead even though that I technically don't have hair anymore?

**Cat: **I honestly think a squirrel in the park said "God Bless You" to me today. But the weird thing is, I didn't sneeze.

**Cat: **My hair is starting to grow back! Maybe if I sing to it, it will grow even faster. LAAAAAAAAA!

**Cat:** Cut my foot stepping on a seashell! Who's going around throwing seashells all over the beach?! That's called littering, people!

**Cat:** Alright, it's true. I'm not a real blonde. I'm just a plain old redhead. :( Wait. I'm actually not a real redhead either. I'm such a faker.

**Cat: **I just found out what an e-book is. For the longest time I just thought it was a book about the letter "E".

**Cat**: At the mall hanging out with a vow. (edit: Sorry, that should say hanging out with a COW. Stupid auto correct.)

**Tori**: Usually edits make these things clearer. Not this time.

**Cat: **A sentence that no one has ever written before: Pretty pink elephants love hot air balloon rides over fields of purple daisies.

**Cat:** OMG my uncle just called. My aunt was just thrown off a mountain! Nevermind, I heard him wrong. She just threw a penny into a mall fountain.

**Cat:** Just dropped some food on the floor. How long is the "Five Second Rule" good for again?

**Cat**: I want a license plate that says "Cat's Car" so I'll never forget which one is mine. Oh and the car will be bright pink... just because!

**Cat:** Did you know you can't light firecrackers on Labor Day? My brother got arrested for it! Of course he was in a grocery store.

**Cat: **HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

**Tori: **What's so funny?

**Cat:** Ha, nothing, just an inside joke with myself.

**Cat:** All-nighter at Wanko's! Being trapped in a warehouse with your besties is so much fun! I want to taste the alarm laser!

**Cat:** I'm on a juice cleanse this week! I bathed in orange juice this morning and feel soooo much healthier already!

**Tori: **Ummm, Cat. That's not how it works.

**Cat: **It is so hard to type on my phone and tap dance at the same time!

**Tori:** Then why don't you just stop tap dancing while you type?

**Cat:** That's crazy talk!

**Cat:** People will believe anything you say with confidence. Watch this: I AM A 7-FOOT-TALL MARTIAN! You believed that for a second didn't you?

**Cat:** I got all my holiday shopping done early! But the only thing at the store was Halloween stuff. Hope you guys like Jack-o-Lanterns for Christmas.

**Cat:** Jade does an awesome impression of me! Monkeys on trampolines. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Cat:** Hey! I didn't write that. Jade logged into my account!

**Andre:** Well to be honest, I couldn't tell.

**Cat:** Well, I guess she does do a good impression of me. And monkeys on trampolines are hilarious. HAHAHAHAHA!

**Cat: **Cute boys LOVE hamburgers. I should open a restaurant and call it "Burgers for Boys."

**Cat:** I wish my life was a music video. Then it wouldn't be weird if I sang by myself in the laundromat.

Cat: I used to think whipped cream was actually made from clouds. But then yesterday someone told me that they weren't. My whole life is a lie.

**Cat:** Am I too old to go Trick-or-Treating? My family won't buy sugar anymore because it makes my brother go bonkers. It's my only way to get candy!

**Cat:** I voted for cheese!

**Tori:** Uh, Cat. This was the presidential election...

**Cat:** Oh :( Well I really wanted Gruyere to win. It's my favorite cheese.

**Cat:** I'm thankful for my feet! Because if I didn't have feet, I couldn't tap dance! And then I'd fail my tap dancing class.

**Cat:** Did you ever notice the word "ROOF" is just the word "FOOR" spelled backwards? I can't believe I just now realized that!

**Rex:** Man, it's a good thing you're pretty.

**Cat:** I've got a baby butterfly living in my ear… how's your day going?

**Cat** I poured milk in my marshmallow cereal, waited for the milk to change color, and then spooned out the cereal. Now I'm drinking blue milk!

**Cat:** Y'know. Robbie's a great guy. Sweaty hands and all.

**Cat:** I wish they made plates out of bread. That way, after you eat lunch, you don't have to do any dishes. You just eat your plate!

**Robbie:** You know they have bread bowls, right?

**Cat:** OMG! Where do I get one of these bread bowls?

**Robbie** I'll take you out to lunch at my fave place.

**Cat** I changed my mind. Bread bowls sound weird. Who would want a bread bowl? Not me.

**Cat:** At Neutronium Records - searching for Bibble. They've gotta have a secret stash around here somewhere!

**Cat:** My brother's tarantula is living in our Christmas tree. He's like a hairy, terrifying little ornament.

**Cat:** Don't you hate waking up on Christmas morning to find that your brother ate all the presents? (P.S. None of them were edible)

**Cat:** Happy Birthday 2013! I didn't get you a present. Sorry about that.

**Cat:** Please DO NOT go on Pear Maps and look up Hollywood Arts. If you do, DO NOT zoom in on Jade. P.S. She's NOT picking her nose

**Cat:** I don't think you're allowed to sucker-punch teenagers on game shows. Someone should inform the Brain Squeezers people.

**Cat:** Welcome to Cat's Tweet Fest: 2013! Become my fan and see all the cool and interesting tweets on my profile page!

Tweet #1: I like pepperoni pizza, but hate pepperonis by themselves. I bet pepperonis are glad pizza exists or they'd never get eaten.

Tweet #2: Do cows get cavities? Because I've never heard of a cow dentist.

Tweet #3: Sikowitz is wearing a toupee today. #NotFoolingAnyone

Tweet #4: My tomato soup just burnt my tongue! Hottttttttt!

Tweet #5: What am I doing right now? I'm writing a tweet on my phone! Kind of obvious.

Tweet #6: I'm going to sleep now. I'll tweet again in exactly 8 hours! Yawn!

Tweet #7: Good morning! I just woke up! And I've got morning breath. Blech!

Tweet #8: I wish Sinjin would stop using the girls' bathroom. It's strange.

Tweet #9: I have 2 hairs on my arm that are longer than the rest of 'em.

Tweet #10: It must be hard to design clothes for birds.

**Cat:** I'm done tweeting. I can't think of anything else... Well, I guess THIS technically was a tweet... Okay... NOW I'm done.

**Cat:** I'm moving to Venice to live with my Nona! Venice, America NOT Venice Italy! Just in case anyone is as confused as I was.

**Cat:** Why's there a fairy that collects your teeth when they fall out but NOT a fairy that collects your hair? Sikowitz would be rich!

**Cat:** Guess what I'm wearing? They're pajamas! They're jeans! They're leggings! It's a hoodie! It's a poncho! It's a Pajelehoocho!


	3. Chapter 3 Becks slap updates

**hi this will be Beck slap updates, guys im not getting enough reviews all i got is two. But it's ok so i'ts Thursday today. I will try and update quick but no promises thx for reading;)**

**André: **What's up, man? Where have you been?

Added by Luna-daughter of Artemis

**Beck: **Sick. Jade's taking care of me.

**André: **Oooh, sorry about that.

**Beck: **Hi, André. It's Jade. I'm sitting right next to Beck and NEWSFLASH: I know how to read.

**André: **Right... I was kidding. You're the best girlfriend. Sweet, caring...

**Beck: **Stop typing.

**Beck: **I finally picked out my Halloween costume. I'm going as a professional bowler.

**Jade: **That's stupid. I already picked out your costume. It's a white sheet.

**Beck: **A ghost?

**Jade: **No, you'd literally be NOTHING. I thought it was very clever artistic statement. And besides, if girls can't see your face, they won't hit on you.

**Beck: **Yep. I'm back. Jade promised to stop freaking out.

**Jade: **Hi, babe. Welcome back to

**Jade: **Did you see the email I sent you?

**Jade**: How come you didn't respond to my email yet?current avatar

Added by Catsvalentine

**Jade: **Are you getting these messages on your phone? I texted you, too!

**Jade: **BABE!

**Beck: **Do you want me to delay my account again?

**Jade: **Sorry, I'll stop. Love you.

**Beck: **Going to bed. If I post any updates in the next 8 hours, it's just me text-sleeping again.

**Beck: **I bought my girlfriend flowers. Forgot she hate flowers. Starting a list of all her "dislikes". It's LOOOONG already.

**Jade: **I can't believe you removed that you're in a relationship with me!

**Beck: **Well, you broke up with me.

**Jade: **Fine! Well, I'm removing mine, too.

**Cat: **What's going on with you two? Someone please tell me!

**Jade: **No!

**Beck: **So Jade made me change my profile pic to let other girls know that we're back together. But it's a good pic, so I'll leave it up for awhile.

**Beck: **I switched back to my old pic... but don't worry, Jade and I didn't break up. I just really like this one.

**Jade: **I liked the other one better.

**Beck: **Knew you would ...

**Rex: **Hey, can you email me the one of you guys kissing?

**Jade: **Ew. Gross. No.

**Beck: **Earthquakes? Nope - one of the tires on my RV just blew out. Part of the fun of living in a house on wheels.

**Beck: **Heat wave in Los Angeles. Thirsty. Thirsty. Thirsty. Please send water!

**Beck**: Someone on TheSlap is using an avatar that looks just like me as a hobo! What's up with that?

**Beck: **Where are my hair gels and stuff?

**Jade: **I removed them from your bathroom before I left for the weekend. I don't want you looking good when I'm gone.

**Beck: **Partying in Hermosa. Jade can't come. Who should I invite?

**Sinjin: **I'm available.

**Beck: **Jade's at the movies. Chilling with my dad. Feels funny to not be getting yelled at for a minute...

**Beck: **Grilling up some burgers then chilling in the RV. Andre's coming over. Couldn't be a better Friday.

**Jade: **I thought you said you can't stand guy's night out and would rather be with me.

**Rex: **The dude LOVES guy's night... See ya later Beck. I'm coming over, just gotta figure out a way to ditch Rob first.

**Beck: **Working on my car. Engine grease all over me. Should have this baby up and running soon.

**Jade: **Tell me you love me.

**Beck: **I love you.

**Jade: **Okay, resume your manly activities.

**Beck: **Thanks, babe.

**Jade: **Hot.

**Beck: **If I don't become a famous actor, my back-up plan is to sell products on TV. If you can sell a blanket with arms, you can sell anything.

**Beck: **Well, Friday. Here I am. What are you going to do with me?

**Beck: **I'm babysitting a puppy. It just peed on my bed. Puppies are gross.

**Beck: **I parked my RV in the school parking lot last night. So I literally rolled out of bed and came to class.

**Beck: **I bought one of those remotes that help you find your phone if it's lost. But now I can't find it anywhere. I need a remote for my remote.

**Beck: **Thinking about getting a tattoo on my shoulder. What should it say?

**Beck: **I was in a movie. Then I was out of the movie. Now I'm back in the movie. Interesting week.

**Beck: **Sikowitz's van smells like cheese. The ping pong team should really get their own bus.

**Beck: **Just witnessed a mad hot-cheese attack! Now, I'm gonna go feel Andre's feet some more.

**Beck: **Had to pick up some production equipment in Burbank today and drove by a high school that looks exactly like Hollywood Arts. Weird.

**Beck: **What's the best part of staying up late? It's 1 am and I got nothin' to do. Suggestions?

**Beck: **sittin' in Sikowit's class. Should i tell him that he has bits of cheese stuck in his hair?

**Beck: **Dilemma: My hair got stuck in my car door today. Should I cut it?

**Jade: **Don't even think about it. And why are you asking anyone besides me?!

**Beck: **Happy Veterans Day. I'm dating Jade so I know exactly what they've been through.

**Beck: **2 Days of school next week! Thank you Thanksgiving!

**Beck: **Did you here my girl singing at the Karaoke-Dokie? Talk about hot.

**Jade: **You better have meant me.

**Beck: **I did.

**Tori: **What? No love for Louise Nordoff?

**Jade: **Shut it Louise.

**Beck: **I wonder who was the FIRST person to eat cheese. How did they know eating mold would be good?

**Beck: **Weekend Plans: Surfing or Snowboarding? I love L.A.

**Beck: **What is a one-horse open sleigh? Aren't all sleighs open?

**Beck: **Airplanes fly. True story.

**Beck:** Another question for you: What the heck does Auld Lang Syne mean? I'm literally to tired to look it up.

**Beck: **Someone told me my hair was so shiny, they could see their reflection in it.

**Jade: **Um, does this person have a name, address, phone number?

**Beck: **It was my dad.

**Jade: **Anyway, what time is dinner tonight?

**Beck: **Went to the park with Jade ... She tripped a five-year old. BAD IDEA.

**Beck: **I lost a bet to Andre. Now my Diddly Bop costume is my profile pic for the week. Thanks again man.

**Beck: **Was invited on a private yacht with an all-girl band. Jade said no. Now, we're watching a chick flick together. Yay.

**Beck: **Still confused about what makes pink lemonade pink.

**Beck: **The best thing about dating Jade is not having to buy any Valentine's Day gifts. Saves me like $35 bucks.

**Jade: **You were only going to spend $35 bucks on me! That's it. I want flowers and jewelry NOW.

**Beck: **How come monkey get tails and we don't?

**Sinjin: **I kinda had a tail but the doctors removed it when I was 4.

**Beck: **I just took the "What Job Suits You Best" test and it said I should either be a actor or an elephant trainer ... think I'll stick with actor.

**Beck: **Spring break is in a few weeks, so ... vacation ideas: Mexico or Canada? decisions ... decisions...

**Beck: **Had to move my house so my dad could get something out of the garage. How many people can say that? #livinginanRV

**Beck: **I'm eating a bagel. Wow that should not have been a stupid update. Sorry.

**Beck: **Anyone Canadian out there? Please tell Jade there's nothing wrong with being born in Canada?

**Jade: **Yeah sure, like I'm going to trust the word of an Canadian.

**Beck: **If I were going to be deserted on an island and could only bring one thing, I'd bring my PearPad.

**Jade: **I'd rethink that answer if I were you.

**Beck: **Man, how do girls wear these heels? Feet hurt so bad ... gonna go stick 'em in a tub of cold butter.

**Beck: **coffee coffee coffee coffee coffeeeeeeee! ah, back to normal ... -) Well, as close to normal as I'm going to get.

**Beck: **Will someone please tell Jade that ordering her a salad does not mean I think that she's fat?!

**Jade: **I still can't believe you did that.

**Beck: **You wouldn't tell me what you wanted!

**Jade: **You should be able to read my mind!

**Beck: **There was literally a couch in the middle of the freeway this morning. Ah, the joys of driving in LA.

**Beck: **Gotta help a friend move to the valley this Saturday... Sometimes it's not fun being the guy with the truck.

**Jade: **What?! This Saturday?! AND MISS MY PLAY?!

**Beck: **But it's not your play. You're Tori's understudy.

**Jade: **Yes... unless something happens to her, which it MIGHT!

**Tori: **Jade! Stop saying that!

**Beck: **Going to Canada for a father-son fishing trip. My dad thinks Canadian fish taste better than American ones.

**Beck: **Hanging out at a friend's movie set and all they have at craft service is refrigerated mussels. I'm almost hungry enough to eat them.

**Beck:** I'm UN-SCARE-ABLE! Nothing frightens me at all. Well, except maybe Jade. Ha, JK sweetie.

**Beck:** Asked my dad what he wants for Father's Day. He said, "For you to break up with Jade." He's still mad about the whole dog attack thing.

**Beck:** Jade is the best girlfriend ever. Jade is beautiful. Jade is better than anyone else.

**Beck:** Guess who logged onto my account and wrote this?

**Beck: **I literally only own like 3 pairs of socks. Should probably go shopping soon.

**Beck: **Hey guys. Just wrote a new blog. It's called Jade Hates Compliments. Check it out! (or here)

**Beck: **Sitting on a floaty in a pool at a Hollywood Mansion. Things could be worse.

**Jade: **What? Why wasn't I invited?

**Andre: **Eating Beck's famous BBQ ribs. He just grilled up a rack of 'em. Things could be worse.

**Jade: **You took Andre as your plus one?! Things WILL get worse!

**Beck:** Jade once told me if I ever grew a mustache she would never kiss me again. At least profile-me can sport one. Lucky chap.

**Beck:** My hair's too thick to wear a baseball cap. Life is hard.

**Beck:** They just discontinued my favorite hair gel. I'm currently on step 3 of the grieving process.

**Beck: **Don't wear flannel in the valley. It's 102 degrees. My sweat is sweating.

**Cat: **Boys wear so much clothes

**Beck**: My neighborhood car wash says they'll clean any vehicle for $10. So I drove my house over there. I think they hate me.

**Beck**: At the beach one last time before school starts. I'll miss you Summer. Don't forget to write.

**Jade**: Who's Summer?! And why are you at the beach with her?

**Beck: **We need to talk about your jealousy issues.

**Beck**: A bird just pooped on my head during lunch. He's been eyeing me for days and he finally struck. Anyone got a napkin?

**Beck:** Okay guys here are my choices for the weekend: Go to a film festival in Newport or go scissor shopping with Jade. What should I do?

**Jade: **There's only one right answer to that question.

**Tori:** Scissor shopping? Is that a real thing?

**Beck: **I get all my fashion inspiration from 80's teen movies. Today I'm rocking the jean jacket and fingerless gloves. Wanna join the club?

**Beck: **Name something you've never worn or ever plan on wearing. I'll start: khakis.

**Sinjin:** Relaxed fit jeans.

**Rex:** Underpants.

**Beck: **Weird how you can be washing your car one min and then out of nowhere a bunch of girls show up and a huge bikini water fight breaks out?!

**Jade: **WHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!

**Beck: **Ha. Just kidding.

**Beck: **I got an actual letter in the mail today! That hasn't happened in years! It was junk mail, but it was still kind of cool.

**Beck:** It seems some guys have forgotten men's room etiquette. We DO NOT talk while side by side at the urinals. Got it?

**Robbie: **But I just wanted your opinion on my new pants!

**Beck: **Jade just called and asked if she could borrow 200 rolls of toilet paper. Should I give them to her or call the cops?

**Beck: **I wish I could use a remote control to put Trina on mute. She's trying to sing an Adele song. TRYING.

**Beck:** Shopping with Jade. While she tries on 24 different black shirts, I'll watch the football game on my phone.

**Beck:** Tomorrow is "Wear a Kilt Day" at Hollywood Arts. Should I participate?

**Jade:** You better not. I don't want a boyfriend who looks better in a skirt than I do.

**Beck:** It's 6 AM and I haven't gone to bed yet. Do I even attempt to go to sleep or just try to make it thru the rest of the day?

**Beck:** Didn't get much sleep last night... wish I could be a girl for a day and cover up my under-eye circles with some makeup.

**Beck:** Why is everyone saying I drink too much coffee! I DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE! Aaaahhh! My heart is vibrating! Ineedsomemorecoffee!

**Beck:** Just had to do an emotional scene while wearing green, full-body tights with ping pong balls all over 'em. Motion capture acting is weird.

**Beck:** Got a Christmas package from my Canadian grandma—a jar of maple syrup and a DVD set of Degrassi. Does she know me or what?

**Beck:** Why do we say "Merry Christmas" in America? We don't say "Merry Halloween!" What gives?

**Sikowitz:** I say Merry Halloween.

**Jade:** Yeah, but you're weird so you don't count.

**Beck:** Having a great time at the New Year's Eve party! Even Jade's having fun. Of course she calls it a "Death of 2011 Party."

**Beck:** The rose parade should be closer to Valentine's Day. That way you can just pic flowers off the street to give to your girlfriend.

**Beck:** Jade almost beat up a girl for feeling my hair. That girl was my hairdresser. Next time I get a trim, she'll have to wait in the car.

**Beck:** It's almost beach season! Wait, what am I talking about? It's always beach season around here!

**Beck:** Vice Principal Dickers is my favorite person ever. (Hoping this update will get me OUT of detention next time.)

**Beck:** Hangin' with Tori at the Gorilla Club, teaching her how to be a risk taker. She hasn't died yet. I think we're off to a good start.

**Jade:** Well, maybe next time.

**Beck:** Single. Yup.

**Robbie:** I think I'm going to cry.

**Beck:** Don't worry, man. It's gonna be okay.

**Beck:** Every time I fill up my gas tank, I wish that someone would invent teleportation already.

**Beck:** On an indie film set at 4:30 am. Sooo tired. The craft service coffee is NOT working.

**Beck:** I had to take my house to get an oil change today… I do live in an RV, remember.

**Beck:** Today is Good Friday. But isn't every Friday good? Is today like the King of Fridays or something? Whoa, this status just went into Cat mode.

**Beck:** Went Easter Egg hunting with my cousin and found an egg from last year. Better late than never.

**Beck:** Girls are always asking me to drive them to school. I don't think most of them go to Hollywood Arts though. Weird.

**Beck: **At a friend's really terrible play. I'm like the only one still left in the theater. Think I can sneak out during intermission?

**Beck: **Sometimes I forget how cool it is that I can see the Hollywood sign from my house.

**Beck: **Accidentally just brewed a whole pot of coffee. If no one comes over to help me drink it, i'm going to have a very long and jittery night.

**Beck: **No the rumors aren't true, I DID NOT kiss Tori. She DID spit a chewed-up hoagie into my hand though.

**Beck: **Someone broke into my RV and only stole 1 permanent marker. Worst robbery ever.

**Beck: **I did absolutely nothing today. Nada. Not a thing. Just wanted to let everyone know that.

**Beck**: I know you're not supposed to eat in the library, but I snuck in some crackers anyway. I like to live dangerously.

**Beck: **There's nothing worse than ordering pasta and finding the waiter's armpit hair in your food.

**Rex: **Oh no, there's much worse than that.

**Beck: **Please don't talk about it.

**Beck:** Remember that cricket that kept waking me up? Well, I think he found his way back back to my bedroom. That, or his family is seeking revenge.

**Beck:** Come see my new short film "The Blonde Squad." It's got everything you need in a movie: Birds, blondes, and bananas!

**Beck:** Happy Canada Day! It's just like the 4th of July but with a lot more hockey and flannel.

**Beck: **Reading Hamlet in English class. Spoiler Alert: Everyone dies at the end.

**Beck:** Just won concert tickets over the radio. All I had to do was answer a trivia question NOT eat 100 cartons of ice cream. So much simpler this way.

**Beck:** My mom's gotta start warning me when she adds extra chlorine to the pool. My eyes are currently burning. Ahhh!

**Beck:** Yesterday, my waitress asked me if I would marry her. She was elderly and missing several teeth. Guess I won't go to that waffle place anymore.

**Beck:** My locker is broken. It won't close. Probably shouldn't be telling everyone on TheSlap.

**Beck:** Okay, I need a text book for bowling class. I would only understand this if I was throwing the book at the pins.

**Beck:** So it's Labor Day, huh? It's hard to get excited about a holiday without a mascot.

**Beck:** Going to a midnight marathon of all 6 Galaxy Wars movies. Who needs sleep, right?

**Beck: **My aunt just got me a fern for my birthday. Okay, first, it's not even my birthday today and even if it was…. a fern?

**Beck:** Out with Tori on an "Opposite Date." Real dates don't end with the purchase of dog ointment.

**Beck: **My first Halloween without Jade. Guess i won't have to watch 31 horror movies this month.

**Beck:** Has anyone seen my friend Moose? He's been captured by 4 female lunatics.

**Beck:** Just got some little kids come to my RV asking for candy. I didn't have any, so I gave them bottled water. Hope I don't get egged later.

**Beck:** I can't decide if I'm more hungry or thirsty. I guess I'm a little of both. I'm Thungry.

**Beck:** Wow! Just realized I wore glow in the dark socks today. Where should I go tonight to show them off?

**Beck:** The weather is a little too cool for iced coffee and a little too warm for hot coffee. What do I do? #CoffeeConfusion

**Beck:** Dating Jade's not easy. But it's worth it. Besides, easy is boring.

**Beck:** At the Cow Wow and just found a wiener in my punch. Still gonna drink it though.

**Beck:** Pro Tip: Compliment Sikowitz on his cologne today and he'll give you 5 bonus points on today's test.

**Sikowitz:** It's true! I will!

**Beck: **I have a coupon for Nozu that expires Jan 1st 2013. I only have 2 hours left to use it. Let's all get some sushi!

**Beck:** I don't think I want to be Doinked again. Not really a fan of the experience.

**Beck:** Boy, it's so hot right now. Guess I better go wash my car. I'll be live streaming it just in case anything "interesting" happens.

**Beck:** I wish I could call a restaurant to deliver one pack of gum to me. I don't have time to go to the store before my date tonight.

**So here you have it it's Beck next is going to be Robbie then Rex.**


	4. Chapter 4 Rexs slap updates

**Hi so here it is chapter 4 this will be Rex's slap updates, thx for reading:) Sorry i said that it was Robbie next but it will be Rex.**

**Rex:** Dang it! just erased my board! I HAD like

Added by Bade4Ever

10,000 comments from hot ladies! Well, ladies, looks like we're starting over!

**Rex:** I hate that I have to buy my clothes at the small and short store. That's MESSED UP!

**Rex:** Heh. Parasailing over the Pacific with Robbie. He's screaming like a little girl.

**Rex:** Anyone wanna trade a steak sandwich for oatmeal? REALLY craving oats.

**Rex:** Will someone please take me outta Robbie's bag? Hate Time Outs!

**Rex:** Wanna slow dance?

**Rex: **Gotta find a way to ditch Robbie this weekend! Some of my favorite ladies are in town and Robbie's EMBARRASSING!

**Rex:** Calling all Ladies! Need someone's help to put suntan lotion on hard to reach spots - like my toes! (Hey, I'm a limber.)

**Current Avatar**

Added by Catsvalentine

**Rex:** I'm gonna learn French for two reasons 1) Ladies find it attractive. 2) Robbie doesn't speak it. He'll finally be outta my bidness.

**Rex:** Robbie has to run the mile in P.E. Thankfully I got out go it because I got flat feet! I can't be trafted either.

**Rex:** Check out my board and tell me if you agree!

**Rex:** Seven Reasons I HATES to Fly 1. Robbie's too cheap to buy me my own ticket, so I gotta get "stowed" in the overhead compartment. And let me tell you these items DO SHIFT during flight! 2. Flights attendant ain't as hot as they used to be. 3. Security won't let me bring my full-sized lotions no more. 4. There's always some screaming baby around. Man, I'm never having kids! 5. Four bathrooms for 200 people. C'mon!? 6. My fake knee sets off the metal detectors. 7. Hearing Robbie cry during takeoff and landing is embarrassing.

**Rex:** Is it me or do vegans smell weird?

**Rex:** My ex keeps calling. Shuttin' my phone off for awhile. For all you other ladies, leave a message and I'll call you back later.

**Rex:** Going to a fancy dinner with the chick I met at the gym. Should I wear a suit or tux? Suits are comfortable, but I look like a model when I wear my tux.

**Rex:** I have indigestion. I apologize an advance.

**Robbie:** You're sleeping in the guest room tonight.

**Rex:** 'Bout time you gave me my own room.

**Rex:** Should I buzz my hair short?

**Robbie:** I've already told you no! It won't grow back!

**Rex:** Stop tellin' me what to do!

**Rex:** Just got back from a party over at Sandra's place. Good time.

**Robbie:** How came I didn't get invited? P.S. Who's Sandra?

**Rex: **Why would you be invited to Sandra's party if you don't even know who she is?

**Robbie:** That's beside the point!

**André:** This is so weird.

**Rex:** What up, Freshmen ladies! If you need a Hollywood Arts tour guide, I'm your man.

**Sinjin:** Rex, can you tell me where the gymnasium is?

**Rex:** I said "Freshmen ladies". You are neither a Freshman nor a lady.

**Rex:** It's kind of cold out there today. Anyone wanna snuggle up for warmth?

**Rex:** I had to get a physical before I could sign up for sports. The dr. said I'm very limber.

**Rex:** Yeah I'm a snorer. It's cuz I got an oversized uvula.

**Rex:** Yes I'm on the ping pong team. And no, I'm not the mascot.

**Rex:** I didn't have to let a buncha fish nibble on my feet. They're just naturally this smooth.

**Rex:** Robbie used up all the conditioner in the shower. Now my hair is both flat and lifeless.

**Rex:** I'd be a good spy cuz: 1) I ain't got thumbprints 2) I can do a pretty good British accent 3) Hot foreign chicks dig me

**Rex:** Wanna make your own Rex-O-Lantern this Halloween? CLICK HERE to find out how!

**Rex:** I decided to go as a nerd this year for Halloween. Tried out my costume at school today. No one knew I was dressed up :(

**Rex:** Robbie drank too much coffee this morning. Now he's all vibrate-y. Think I'm gonna be nauseous.

**Rex:** Two of the "West Hollywood Wifes" were in my yoga class today. They're very flexible.

**Rex:** Gonna PAR-TAY with a couple of girls from Northridge this weekend.

**Robbie:** Is this gonna be like a double date? Which one do I get?

**Rex:** Northridge don't love you.

**Rex:** Robbie's grandpa won't let me sit at the table for thanksgiving. That's okay. He eats his underwear. I don't need. I don't need to see that.

**Rex:** Been playing tricks on Rob lately. So fun. On Monday, I made him believe it was Sunday. He slept right through his first 3 classes. It was HI-larious.

**Rex:** I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance-off. Yep, it's a dance-off.

**Jade:** How are you in a dance-off when your legs don't even work.

**Rex:** You don't know my skill set!

**Cat:** Once, my brother was in a "stand-off". He lost, but I hope you win.

**Rex:** Time for Robbie to shave the back of my neck—getting outta control back there.

**Rex:** Ya know that mean green guy who hates Christmas? We should set him up with Jade. Sorry, Beck.

**Beck:** Ahh... they do have a lot in common.

**Jade:** BECK!?

**Rex:** I gotta pain in my side. Think my appendix is burstin'

**Jade:** Ya think that might be because Robbie's got his hand up your back?

**Rex:** Don't need to get graphic, girl.

**Rex:** R)bbie slammeed my thum in his l0kker. its really hard to typee right now...

**Rex:** What's up with the episode called "Rex Dies"? Someone want to tell me somethin'?

**Rex:** Out of the hospital. I still haven't forgive you Tori.

**Tori:** For the billionth time: I'm sorry.

**Rex:** I'd believe your apology more if you'd say it while massaging my feet.

**Rex:** I just got my hospital bill. That sponge bath cost $6,000. It was good, but it wasn't THAT good.

**Rex:** Put on a few pounds in the mid-section... time for some crunches.

**Rex:** Just adopted a Red Panda. Thanks, Rob. I put your credit card back in your wallet.

**Rex:** Trina deep-fried my foot. Now I know how chicken nuckets feel.

**Rex:** Valentine's Day decision: go out tonight with a hot girl from Malibu or stay home with Robbie and watch him cry in his pyjamas? Hmmm ...

**Rex:** Man, Valentine's Day cleaned out my wallet. Anyone got $5 for lunch?

**Jade:** Newsflash. You don't eat.

**Robbie:** That's offensive!

**Rex:** Got some BAD indigestion from a gas station hot dog.

**Robbie:** I told you to stop eating those.

**Rex: **I can't. They're too good, Rob. Too good.

**Rex: **I'm upset they don't make urinals in my size. I think I'm going to sue. It's humiliating to have to stand on a stool.

**Rex: **Chilling at the house on a school day. Drinking orange juice in bed and watching soaps on TV. Doesn't get better than this.

**Rex: **Why do guys always have to pay on first dates? You might be cute but I ain't gonna pay your steak AND lobster.

**Rex: **I made out with Tori and I have the pic to show it! Jealous?

**Rex: **Everyone expects you to pull a prank on April 1st. That's why I always wait until July 5th to get pranky. Nobody sees it coming! Ha!

**Rex: **I should have a funky theme song that plays whenever I come into a room.

**Rex:** Hid some raw fish in Robbie's locker. Anyone wanna take bets on how long it takes him to smell it?

**Rex: **Couldn't sleep last night so I watched an entire Full House marathon. Man, that Michelle is so adorable.

**Rex: **Going shopping for a new track suit cause I love the way the pants swoosh when I walk.

**Rex: **Mother's Day is offensive to Puppet-Americans. We don't have moms!

**Rex: **Hey everybody, guess what? There's a car parked in Robbie's butt! Ha! Ha!

**Robbie: **Stop telling people that!

**Rex: **Need my own vehicle. These bus rides to Northridge are getting expensive.

**Rex: **I HATE double dates. I'm trying to talk to my girl and Robbie's over there blabbing about male make up.

**Robbie: **All I said to my date was, "What a coincidence. I wear blush too!"

**Rex: **Stop talking about it!

**Tori: **Wait, are you guys on the date right now?

**Rex: **Unfortunately.

**Rex:** Huge Party next Saturday night Kenan Thompson's house! Everyone's invited! Especially if you're a fine-looking lady!

**Sinjin:** Can I come?

**Rex:** Ummmm...no.

**Rex: **Andre is having a party at Kenan Thompson's house in the Hollywood Hills... all my followers and you NORTHRIDGE GIRLS come on down!

**Rex:** Aced my dental check-up today. I have perfect teeth! I don't even floss.

**André:** Robbie, you are so weird.

**Rex:** Umm, wrong page, dude. Robbie's page is that-a-way.

**Rex: **I don't let Robbie play with fireworks cuz if he ever blew his hand off I'd be in a lotta chiz.

**Rex: **Awww man, they canceled my favorite show, "The Real Girls of Northridge."

**Andre: **Dude, you're obsessed.

**Rex: **Is it wrong to pretend it's you're birthday to get a free sundae at Olive Grove?

**Robbie: **Yes!

**Trina: **No! Get two spoons.

**Rex:** I'm in "Time Out" in Robbie's locker again. Apparently he doesn't like it when I blow my nose in his spaghetti.

**Rex:** So far today I've beat Robbie in ping pong, tic-tac-toe, that surgery video game, and picking up chicks! Winning! Boom!

**Rex:** Sometimes I feel bad that no one looks as good in plaid as I do. They just can't rock it like Rex!

**Rex:** If I could sum up Robbie's future in three words it would have to be: Table for One.

**Rex:** Dude in front of me told me to shut my phone off at the movies. I told him to shut his face. He dumped his soda on Robbie's head. Oops.

**Robbie:** That's it. I'm taking away your texting privileges.

**Rex: **Going to Newport Beach to do some sea kayaking. Wow kayaking is a really weird word to type.

**Rex:** Should I tell my online date that I'm a puppet before we meet? You'd think in 2011 chicks would be able to handle it, but you never know

**Rex: **Robbie should thank me for saving his horrible audition. He's been telling that baby back ribs joke since 3rd grade. It's NEVER been funny.

**Robbie:** I'll have you know that meat related humor is ALWAYS funny!

**Rex:** And that's why you NEVER disrespect a puppet! Hehehehehe!

**Tori:** What are you talking about?

**Rex:** Oh nothing. Just thinking out loud.

**Rex: **I'm really limber. It's one of the benefits of not having a spine.

**Rex: **So I lost my phone, if anyone finds it, please return it? Oh and I wouldn't look at the pictures if I were you.

**Rex:** Tori's backpack smells so good. Robbie's smells like mayonnaise and nerd. Blech.

**Rex: **Thank you Tori for beating Robbie's Tech Theater record. It's always fun watching Robbie cry.

**Rex: **Going up to Santa Barbara for the weekend. Taking the train cuz Robbie still refuses to drive on the freeway.

**Robbie: **The freeway scares me. The truck drivers always point at me and laugh.

**Rex: **Turns out there WAS a Ladies of Northridge float at the Parade Parade. And it was awesome! You people should listen to me more often!

**Rex:** I'm the Hollywood Arts staring contest champion! C'mon who wants to try me!

**Beck: **Sure, it's easy to win if you don't need to blink.

**Rex: **It's 3 A.M., Robbie's asleep. Time to use his credit card for some ridiculous online purchases. Box of giant rubber bands... click.

**Rex:** I've got a pinched nerve! Probably because Robbie throws me in his backpack whenever a cute girl comes by. Never works for him tho.

**Rex:** Went to go see Sinjin's band play at the Moxie last night. It's the first time I've ever seen a group booed off stage BEFORE they started playing.

**Rex:** It's dinner time and I'm currently locked in Robbie's room cuz last year I insulted his Aunt Shirley. You would too if you saw her wig.

**Rex:** Eating Robbie's Maestro's leftovers for lunch. Mmmm. Lobster mashed potatoes. Beats a PB&J any day!

**Robbie:** I specifically wrote "For Robbie. Do Not Eat!" on the take-out box!

**Rex:** I specifically ignored your directions

.

**Rex**: It's a shame I'll never be a champion figure skater because of my bad back. Life is so unfair.

**Rex:** Hanukkah's cool with me. Any holiday that encourages eating all the donuts you want gets an A in my book.

**Rex:** I don't know about you guys, but that Christopher Cane fellow seems like quite the charmer. And so handsome.

**Tori:** Seems kind of full of himself to me.

**Rex:** Seems like a guy who should be full of himself!

**Rex:** Wow. Today I've already seen a car chase, helicopter fly-over, and a guy taking a nap in the middle of Sunset Blvd. Good to be back in LA.

**Rex:** Man, my golf game has gone down hill. Haven't putted this badly since Reagan was in office.

**Andre:** Umm, how old are you exactly?

**Rex:** Mid teens. Why?

**Rex:** Accidentally deleted a bunch of pics off my cell phone. Well… there goes my blackmail material.

**Rex: **I'm thinking about starting a CPR class. Any ladies interested in signing up?

**Rex: **Robbie just dropped me on the men's bathroom floor. I don't think I'll ever feel clean again. _**Mood: **__Funky._

**Rex: **Hollywood Arts won't let me take a school picture by myself. Looks like Robbie's gonna ruin my yearbook photo again this year!I hate when the paparazzi takes my pic and my hair's looking all wonky!

**Rex: **No, I will not dress up like a leprechaun for your St. Patrick's day party. I have SOME respect, people!

**Andre: **How about for $20?

**Rex: **What time do you want me to show up?

**Rex: **I hate when the paparazzi takes my pic and my hair's looking all wonky!You know your trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet was successful when you can no longer button the top button of your jeans.

**Tori: **Why on Earth would you have paparazzi?

**Rex: **Cuz my face sells magazines, that's why!

**Rex: **I've gotten 4 stains on my clothes TODAY and I didn't eat anything yet! Robbie's really gotta wash his hands more.

**Rex: **Robbie's mom just threw me in the washing machine again. Feeling queezy.

**Rex: **You know your trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet was successful when you can no longer button the top button of your jeans.

**Rex: **Can someone please buy Robbie a fancier man-bag? If I'm gonna be stuffed in there, I at least want to travel in style.

**Rex: **Robbie's always throwing me in his locker and now my back's out of alignment. Gonna start sending him my chiropractor bill.

**Rex:**Hanging out in the Hollywood Arts's Lost and Found room. Robbie's gotta learn how to hold on to his stuff. This is humiliating.

**Rex: **You know what's exhausting? Realizing i can't retire for another 47 years. What am i going to do until then? Work?

**Rex:** Robbie sings show tunes in his sleep. Just one more thing on the list of "Stuff Robbie Does That Freaks Me Out."

**Rex:** Is it just me, or is Tori a lot hotter now that she's crazy?

**Sinjin:** It's not just you.

**Rex:** Robbie left me upside down in his bag and all the blood rushed to my head. Feeling really woozy right about now.

**Rex:** I haven't been to the gym since I dumped my personal trainer girlfriend. I feel so lazy. I should go do some push-ups or something.

**Rex:** Sorry if my hair isn't as luxurious as it usually is. Robbie hasn't bought me my special conditioner for weeks.

**Rex:** Puppet Perk #1: I never have to shave in the morning. I'm just naturally this smooth.

**Rex:** I was totally pumped to make the Dean's List. Then I found out it was just an award for getting good grades. Thought it was some cool club. Oh well.

**Rex:** Slammed my hand in the car door. Looks like I'm going to need to get a new one. Hand, that is. Perks of being a puppet.

**Rex:** Kobe beef is the best food on the planet. I'll fight anyone that says otherwise.

**Rex:** I keep I few bucks in my sock in case I loose my wallet. Sorry in advance to whoever gets my foot-sweat money.

**Rex:** Ha, I just out-bowled Robbie. And the bowling ball weighs more than I do!

**Rex:** I've got a 10 page paper due tomorrow so nobody call me tonight. I'm Busy! ….unless you're a hot lady. Then I'll make an exception.

**Rex:** Gonna have some friends over and watch a killer-puppet movie. It really freaks them out. HAHAHAHAHA!

**Rex:** I'm so glad it's cool out. I hate when Robbie's hand is all sweaty.

**Rex:** Grocery Store Tip: Never awkwardly hit on a lady in the dairy aisle unless you want a face full of eggs. Robbie found out the hard way.

**Rex:** Just got back from the gym. I can finally bench press my weight! 10 pounds, baby!

**Rex:** Robbie's singing "Make it Shine" in the shower again. Badly. Can't a puppet brush his teeth in silence around here?

**Rex:** How am I supposed to take a self-portrait?! I can't even work my arms by myself! Stupid photography class assignment.

**Rex:** Ugh, that little wazzbag put his greasy, Bibble-y hands all over me. I feel so dirty.

**Rex:** I hate, hate, HATE getting dry cleaned. I'm sure you all can relate.

**Andre:** Uh, no.

**Beck:** Can't say that I know the feeling.

**Rex:** It's late December and I'm eating frozen yogurt. Gotta love LA!

**Rex:** Robbie won't drive me to Northridge College to watch my girl Tori perform! I just want to support my friend! Is that so wrong?!

**Robbie:** You just want to go to meet Northridge girls!

**Rex:** That's just a bonus!

**Rex:** How come I never get cast in any Hollywood Arts plays? They're overlooking pure leading man material here!

**Thx,for reading, JadeWest1234.**


	5. Chapter 5 Robbies slap updates

**Hi, so this is definetly Robbie's slap updates.**

**Robbie:** Hey, I'm finally on ! Write on my wall :)

**Robbie: **Thanks everyone for NOT writing on my wall! Really makes a guy feel good about himself.

**Rex:** Ha! No one writes on your board.

**Jade:** Looks like your puppet speaks the truth!

**Robbie:** HE IS NOT A PUPPET!

**Cat:** Hi, Robbie! I was watching this show last Saturday night, this live show thingy, and I saw this guy that looked EXACTLY like you!

**Robbie:** Was his name Andy?

**Cat:** YEEAAAAHH!

**Robbie:** I DO NOT look like him!

**Beck:** Oh yeah, you do look like that guy!

**Jade:** I thought you were going to bed early on Saturday. If you ACTUALLY went to bed early, you wouldn't have seen THAT late-night show! So, what were you doing?

**Rex:** Ha! I'm lovin' this!

**Robbie:** No, I was NOT in a terrible accident. That's a harmonica around my neck. Stop laughing.

Added by Fresh Highlighters

**Robbie:** Caffeine makes me vibrate.

**Robbie:** There's nothing wrong with my pants! Stop asking.

**Robbie:** Wishing they'd just make a good soy cupcake!

**Robbie:** Allergic to sun? How is that even possible? Apparently I'm allergic to the sun!

**Robbie:** Don't drink fish water! It's very bad ... excuse me while I puke. AGAIN!

**Robbie:** Awww. Dang it. I got toothpaste in my underwear again! It stings.

**Robbie:** Headed to NY. Going to my cousin's bar mitzvah. It's gonna be OFF THE HOOK.

**Robbie: **Some dude at the gym just called me "Mr Muscles". I think he was being sarcastic.

**Rex:** No, man. I'm sure they were serious. Did they also mention your awesome tan?

**Robbie: **Changed your password, Rex.

**Rex: **Changed it back, Robbie.

**Robbie: **Just found a sunscreen at the specialty drug store that's 187 SPF. Made my day!

**Robbie: **Do you think anyone would notice if I started using self tanning lotion?

**Rex: **No one notices you no matter what you do.

**Robbie: **Oh man, I have a zit and I'm all out of male makeup.

**Robbie: **Are boxer briefs still cool?

**Robbie: **Chillin' in HTown, tomorrow gonna visit peeps in the LBC.

**Rex: **Y'know, talking like that does NOT make you cool.

**Cat: **Where's HTown?

**Robbie:** People can be very inconsiderate ... I'm talking about you REX!

**Jade:** He's a puppet, not a person.

**Robbie:** That's offensive!

**Robbie:** I'm trying to grow my chest hair out. It's harder than you'd think.

**Rex:** I have more chest hair than you!

**Robbie:** I am itchy because I didn't shower today.

**Robbie:** Rex! Stop hacking my account!

**Robbie:** Bought two tickets to the L.A. Soy Festival but Rex doesn't want to go. Anyone wanna come with?

**Robbie:** YEAH! I got the cookie! Take that Rex!

**Tori:** ?

**Jade:** Ya know Robbie, you don't have to type every thought that comes into your head.

**Robbie:** So, apparently caviar is really, really, REALLY, expensive. Who knew?

**Robbie: **At a hospital. Are you allowed to take the bedpans home?

**Robbie: **Accidentally erased all my contacts so I need everyone's phone number again. Text 'em to me!

**Robbie: **Seriously guys, send me your digits. :)

**Robbie: **C'mon guys. I can't call anybody until I get some numbers!

**Robbie: **Anybody?

**Robbie: **Weird Question: Does anyone know how to do CPR on a parrot?

**Beck: **That is a weird question.

**Tori: **Why do you want to know?

**Robbie:** Ah never mind - too late. There goes my birdsitting business.

**Robbie: **I'm not letting Rex carve his own pumpkin this year. Not after last year's "incident."

**Robbie: **This is NOT a is my natural curl. Girls love my hair.

**Rex: **You are delusional.

**Robbie: **Rex keeps prank calling me. It's getting annoying.

**André: **How is that even possible.

**Robbie: **Rex keeps kicking me in his sleep. I'm thinking about making him sleep on the dog bed.

**Robbie: **I ACTUALLY have plans this weekend! Karaoke here I came!

**Robbie: **Rex turned back my clocks as a joke and I missed my date with the really hot girl from my Editing Class. :(

**Robbie: **I accidentally backed into the menorah and almost caught my backpack on fire. Hanukkah is dangerous!

**Robbie: **Monkeys are such curious beings. I wish I was a monkey.

**Robbie: **Sometimes I feel like Rex and I share a brain.

**Cat: **Wait, I'm confused. You don't?!

**Robbie: **Working out.

**Rex: **Working out what? Math problems?

**Robbie: **I think I'd be a really good football player ... if I wan't allergic to pigskin.

**Rex: **Uh, Robbie. There's a lotta reasons why you can't play football.

**Robbie: **Oh yeah? Name one.

**Rex: **Your 'fro wouldn't fit in the helmet. You're weak and girly. You're afraid of locker rooms.

**Robbie: **I JUST asked for ONE!

**Robbie: **Jade said she loved my "Broken Glass" song. It's the first time she's ever complimented me!

**Jade: **And the last.

**Robbie: **Just rescheduled my dentist appt for February 14th. Not like I'm busy that day or anything.

**Robbie: **I just went to buy an apple and my credit card was rejected! I know I had at least 100 bucks in there!

**Robbie:** The producers said I was TOO "interesting" to be on The Wood.

**Robbie:** Happy Valentine's Day! Don't know why I'm so excited actually. Not like I'm doing anything... Again... Wow, this post got depressing quickly.

**Robbie:** Attention everyone... FREE COOKIES on my profile page!

**Cat:** Robbie, where are the cookies?

**Robbie:** Oh, I just wanted more fans so I thought if I wrote that more people would like me.

**Beck:** And your plan B is?

**Robbie: **I swear my neighbor's cat is evil. It keeps looking threateningly at me. I'm thinking about filing a restraining order.

**Robbie: **I can't believe my left shoe AND my car were stolen in the same week. And why would someone ONLY want ONE shoe! It doesn't make sense!

**Robbie:**I forgot to bring Rex to school today! I haven't been insulted in nearly 3 hours.

**Robbie:** I just got offered the role of the "before" guy on a workout commercial. Should I be offended?

**Robbie: **Movie night at the Vega house was SO FUN! I can't wait to do it again.

**Tori: **BTW Robbie, my dad says never come to our house again.

**Robbie:** Hanging out in Tori's bushes. Absolutely nothing is happening on her date with Ryder. I'm bored.

**Sinjin:** Oh really. Which bush are you in.

**Robbie:** The potted one on the porch.

**Sinjin:** Good choice.

**Robbie:** Aww man. I forgot to shave my toes again today.

**Robbie:** I've been looking for days and I still can't find that "Pee Minder" app. I DESPERATELY NEED IT!

**Robbie: **Note to self: Never go to the park and offer free ice cream to little kids. Their mothers get really angry and punchy.

**Robbie: **Anyone knows a good recipe for a delicious chickpea salad?

**Rex: **Okay that's it. Turn in your man card.

**Robbie: **Rex and I would buy a bunk bed, but we can't agree on who gets the top bunk. It's a dilemma!

**Robbie: **Even Tori's blood is pretty.

**Tori: **Okay, that might be the creepiest thing you've ever said.

**Robbie: **Gonna go ask Cat to the Prom. Wish me luck!

**Rex: **This is going to be ugly.

**Jade: **I agree with the puppet.

**Tori: **It's not Prom! It's PROME!

**Robbie: **Can you believe Rex thinks professional wrestling is legit? Some people just can't figure out what's real or fake.

**Jade: **Says the high school boy with an imaginary friend.

**Rex: **Yeah, you tell him sister! Oh... wait...

**Robbie:** I can bench press almost a FIFTH of my body weight!

**Beck:** How much do you weigh?

**Robbie:** About 140 lbs.

**Tori: **I'm not a mathematician. But I'm not sure I'd be bragging about that...

**Robbie:** Someone stole my bike seat. No, not my bike… my bike seat. Really, hurt to ride to school this morning.

**Robbie:** I bought a sketchbook so that I can impress my dates by drawing a picture of them. I saw that in a movie once

**Rex:** The sketch book is currently empty

**Robbie: **I need more fans on my Slap page. Even Trina has more than I do.

**Rex: **Ha! Ha! Ha! Nobody likes you!

**Rex: **Wait a minute, how do you have more fans than me? That's just wrong!

**Robbie: **Bought a new hat, sunglasses, and pair of jeans today! SCORE!

**Rex: **I'm looking at them right 're all women's!

**Robbie: **Stores REALLY need to start marking that on the tags!

**Robbie:** Wow. This mustache makes me feel so manly. I just wish I could grow one in real life!

**Cat:** Wow, you really DO look more manly with a mustache. You could probably get a lot more girls if you could grow one for real.

**Robbie:** Thanks Cat.

**Robbie:** I accidentally shaved off half the mustache I was growing. It took so long to grow, I'm debating keeping the other half.

**Robbie:** Playing tic-tac-toe with Rex. Man, he never loses.

**Robbie:** How come guys don't ever have tea parties? Who's up for tea at my place tonight?

**Cat:** I am!

**Robbie:** Cat, it's for guys only!

**Rex:** Can someone adopt me? Before tonight?

**Robbie**: I've been wearing my pants inside-out all day long! I hate getting dressed in the dark! (But if I dress with the lights on, Rex makes fun of me.)

**Robbie: **Srry fr typng ths wy. Rx rmvd ll th vwls n my kybrd.

**Tori: **What?

**Rex: **I disabled all the vowels on his keyboard. Classic Rex.

**Robbie: **Rex cut his toenails and left them all over my pillow. What did I ever do to him?

**Rex:** I don't know, why don't you ask the Golden Girls?

**Robbie: **I'm thinking it's not so good that the new principal only knows me as "that spazy kid."

**Robbie: **Anyone want to start a new secret handshake with me? I've got some great ideas.

**Robbie: **Left the room for 5 min and Rex ate my entire pizza! Rex, next time you're going to the bathroom with me!

**Rex:** That would not be my preferred destination

**Tori: **Rex, btw, how do you eat without a digestive system?

**Robbie: **Ugh, I have a wart on the bottom of my foot and it hurts to walk. Anyone wanna carry me to class? I'm lightweight.

**Robbie: **It's not weird that I have a life-size cut-out of Cat. I have life size cut-outs of ALL my pretty girl friends!

**Robbie:** One thing me and Batman have in common: we both have sidekicks. But I bet HIS sidekick doesn't make fun of him all the time. :(

**Robbie:** Last night I got run over by a rude bicyclist while power walking in Santa Monica! Why do I even wear a reflective vest if nobody pays attention?

**Rex:** Nobody pays attention to anything you do. So, I guess what you should be asking is "Why do I do anything?"

**Robbie:** I was thrown out for taking pictures at a funeral. The guy might have died but I really liked his outfit. Is that so bad?

**Robbie:** It's amazing how many compliments I've gotten since I've started wearing a fanny pack! I should have started this years ago

**Rex:** You don't pick up on sarcasm very well, do you?

**Robbie:** I've been mashing these potatoes for like 2 hours now! And they're still lumpy! Why won't you mash you stupid spuds!

**Robbie:** Take-out ketchup packets need to be redesigned! They always squirt in the wrong direction and get all over my clothes.

**Robbie:** How come when Tori couldn't pay her bill at Maestro's, they let her sing it off, but when I can't pay mine, they make me work in the kitchen?

**Robbie:** What's grosser: Stepping on gum barefoot or using the bathroom at a gas station?

**Robbie:** Hanukkah's great cuz I get presents 5 days before the rest of you!

**Rex:** Too bad your parents never buy you anything good for Hanukkah.

**Robbie:** That's beside the point.

**Robbie:** Beck just let me hug him. What a wonderful holiday moment!

**Beck:** I told you not to put that as your status.

**Robbie:** I just read in a magazine that being a nerd is "in." About time!

**Rex:** Unfortunately, I'd say you're less a nerd and more a dweeb.

**Robbie:** Gotta drive to the O.C. to pick up my grandma from the airport! An hour drive just so she could save $20 on her flight!

**Beck:** Don't call it the O.C.

**Robbie:** But it makes me sound cool

**Beck:** No it doesn't.

**Robbie:** I tried to kill a spider in my bedroom and missed. He's probably waiting until I fall asleep to get revenge.

**Jade:** Yeah, that's what I'd be doing if I was the spider.

**Robbie:** Aaaah, you're freaking me out!

**Robbie:** I had a taco for the first time and loved it! Tomorrow I'm trying a burrito! It's a spicy new world of flavor!

**Robbie:** Yes, I know my left butt cheek hangs lower than the other one. Can you all please stop pointing it out?

**Jade:** What's up with lefty?

**Robbie:** Opposites attract right? So I just need to find someone completely opposite than me to date!

**Jade:** So what you're saying is… you need to find a girl who is cool, attractive, fun, athletic, and has a great personality.

**Robbie:** Basically, yes.

**Robbie:** Y'know Tori, a GOOD girlfriend would be HAPPY to pop my back pimples.

**Tori:** I am NOT your girlfriend!

**Robbie:** I'm going to a thing at a place with Beck!

**Beck:** You know that was just a lie so we wouldn't have to hang out with Hope, right?

**Robbie:** Oh... then i put on my fancy shoes for nothing!

**Robbie:** Going to get my chest waxed! I'll reply later with all the deets!

**Robbie:** Okay, just got back from the waxing place. Guys, DON'T GET YOUR CHEST WAXED! So. Much. Pain.

**Tori:** Why'd you get your chest waxed anyway? You have three chest hairs.

**Robbie:** Cuz I'm sick of plucking them.

**Robbie:** Rex locked me out of my bedroom. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch again.

**Robbie:** Trina just smashed my guitar to pieces. I wish someone could deliver this bad news to me thru song. :(

**Robbie:** I just threw away a pair of socks I've owned for 9 years. It was a sad moment.

**Rex:** Now, it's time to toss out your decade old underwear.

**Robbie:** Never!

**Robbie:** So… Can anyone guess what I am doing home at 10:30pm on a Friday?

**Jade:** No, and I'd rather not think about it.

**Robbie:** C'mon guess.

**Jade:** Uh, I don't know, something stupid like buffing your toe nails.

**Robbie:** ...whoa, good guess

**Robbie:** I just spent $100 on shoes for Rex. I wish he could wait to buy his clothes on sale.

**Rex:** Rex don't dress cheap.

**Robbie:** I almost got Tori to kiss me! Too bad the stupid Beverly Hills volcano had to ruin the moment!

**Robbie:** I'm so sick... snot is just pouring out. I'm gonna need a bigger box of tissues.

**Robbie:**I replaced all my chairs with exercise balls! Now I can get fit while I sit!

**Robbie:** Sikowitz just told me I need to take acting classes. But isn't that what I'm doing in his class?

**Robbie: **Not sure what smelled worse: uncooked squid or Kwakoo's nasty feet. I know now I never want to be a massage therapist.

**Robbie: **I went to the pond to feed the ducks and a big one bit me on the toosh! I'm never being nice to water fowl ever again!

**Robbie: **Okay. So I learned today not to eat too much of that special-digestion yogurt. If you need me i'll be in the boy's room.

**Robbie: **Just sent in my audition tape! Future rock stardom: Here I come!

**Rex: **Nothing will ever not happen as much as you being a rockstar is not going to happen.

**Robbie: **I asked Jade for a ride to school. Not sure why we're currently driving thru the desert. And why she has a shovel in the backseat.

**Tori**: Get out now! Trust me!

**Robbie:** Did you know they make nail polish for boys? This changes everything!

**Robbie**:All you lactose tolerant people happily drinking your milk at breakfast, you don't know how good you have it.

**Robbie: **If there's Christmas in July, there should also be Hanukkah in June. It's only fair!

** Robbie: **I have a crush on cute little redhead whose name rhmes with "splat." If only she knew.

**Cat**: Awww, I'll tell Pat

**Robbie:** Help! These mean little girls buried me up to my neck in sand at the beach. I'm having Rex send this message for me! Hurry, the tide is coming in!

**Robbie:** Shaving cream fights are all good and fun until some of the cream gets in your eyes. Not cool shaving buddies.

**Robbie:** Beck's wearing a fedora today and some girl told him he looks like Johnny Depp. So I tried it on and now Rex keeps calling me Johnny Dork.

**Robbie: **I went to go buy some 2 pound weights to work out with and they only sell them in pink. Weird.

**Robbie:** No one wants to go to the movies with me tonight. On the plus side, I get all the popcorn to myself!

**Robbie:** I'm the only person I know who can actually tickle himself. Jealous?

**Robbie:** I hate when Rex uses my PearPad as a place to put his discarded chicken wings.

**Robbie:** Anyone want to buy a pair of pants? They say women's on the tag, but they can totally fit a dude.

**Robbie:** I can't believe walkie-talkies went out of style. They're just like phones except without a screen or number buttons!

**Andre: **I think that's exactly why they went out of style.

**Robbie: **Man, if I knew hamboning would make me this popular, I would have started years ago. Hail to the Hambone King!

**Robbie:** I signed up for a meditation class at school. I'm so pumped! I haven't been allowed to nap in school since kindergarten!

**Robbie:** The new Pear Pad 3 has a slightly better screen! How have I lived my whole life without it?

**Robbie:** Seven girls have complimented my eyebrows today. I should pluck more often!

**Robbie:** It's almost time for Tinkle-Aid! Are you wearing your yellow ribbon? #BoysforEqualRestrooms

**Robbie:** Tinkle-Aid was a success! The new boys' bathroom is under construction! I can't wait to sit down and really appreciate it!

**Robbie:** Anybody wanna come over and watch some of my comedy camp home videos? I guarantee you'll at least mildly chuckle once!

**Robbie:** I hate that my mom's car has auto seat warmers. Nothing wakes you up in the morning like ice-cold leather on your toosh.

**Robbie:** Ah man, my mom put JAM on my toast this morning when I specifically requested JELLY! It's gonna be a bad day. :(

**Beck:**Could've been worse. Could've been marmalade

**Andre:** Or fruit preserves. That stuff is nasty.

**Jade:** I can't believe I just read a three-person conversation about various jellies.

**Robbie:** Rex bet me no one would notice I was growing a mustache and HE LOST! Now he has to buy me lunch! Booyah!

**Rex:** Some girl came up to Robbie and tried to brush some loose hair off his upper lip. She didn't know it was attached.

**Robbie:** It still counts!

**Robbie:** I'm not one to kiss and tell… but I just kissed Cat and I've gotta tell everyone!

**Robbie:** Instead of giving me a gift for Hanukkah, Rex said he made a donation in my name to the United Puppet Relief Fund. Uh… thanks

**Robbie:** I can't believe I sold Rex. I'm such a terrible friend. A terrible friend with an extra $2000 in my pocket.

**Robbie:** First Cat, then Jade! My lips are getting a workout lately!

**Robbie:** I really wish I knew what that goo was that they just sprayed me with… or maybe I don't. Blech

**Robbie:** I always keep an extra large flashlight stuffed in my pants… you never know when it'll come in handy.

**Robbie:** I wish Rex would stop clipping his toenails in the bathroom sink. Someone has to clean out the drain you know!

**Rex:** As long as that someone isn't me. I'm okay with it.

**Let me know who zou want next thx, JadeWest1234**


	6. Chapter 6 Andre's updates

**Hey sorry for not being on for long but noone really reads this except from one guest(thank-you guest for reading) so here you have Andre.**

**Robbie**: Poker tonight?

**André**: For sure. See ya there.

**André**: My grandma got scared—now she's hiding under the bed. Gonna have to use a broom to get her out.

**André**: Mixing beats. Feeling the flow. Musician stuff.

**André**: Typing with one hand, flossing with the other. Think I'm gonna have to give one or the other up.

**André**: Hey, everyone! I FINALLY put up my video profile. Hope you like it. If you don't please don't tell me—I have a fragile ego. Ha!

**André**: Lakers or Celtics?

**André**: Writing. Songs. Studio. Love my Life.

**André**: Parts of me are sweating that I didn't know could sweat.

**André**: What is up with those vuvuzelas at those soccer games? Sounds like a bunch of bees. I hate bees!

**current avatar**

Added by Catsvalentine

**André**: Not that I'm obsessed with Ketchup but... Ketchup or Catsup? Which is it, people?

**Cat**: I like Catsup. 'Cuz it's like, "Hey, Cat... 'sup?" Hehehehe. Oh, not much. What's up with you?

**André**: Lovin' summer vacation! Why can't school be on the beach? With tropical smoothies? And girls in bikinis?

**André**: My question is: Why do peanuts have shells? Were they once an endangered speecies that needed protection?

**André**: Picking up raw meat to grill. Can't wait! See ya in a few, Beck.

**Beck**: Pick up pickles please.

**Cat**: Heeeey, you said three "p" words in one sentence. Well I guess you really didn't "say" them, but you wrote them. I know there's a word for that.

**Robbie**: Alliteration. It's called alliteration.

**Rex**: Word Nerd.

**André**: Fill in the blank: I love it when...

**André**: Goin' jogging. See you guys later.

**Beck**: Back from your jog yet?

**André**: Nah. Stayed at home. Ate a corn dog. Good times.

**André**: My crazy grandma just sucker-punched my laptop. Anyone got $1400 I could borrow?

**André**: Found an instrument I can't play—but who cares about the Sitar anyway.

**André**: Just noticed that one of the moods you can pick on TheSlap is "Blum". Is that even a word?

**André**: There seems to be an app for everything. Where's the app for my toaster? This bagel's taking FOREVER!

**André**: C'mon BEES! What's a guy gotta do to get stung around here?

**André**: Wrote a new song this week. If you're nice to me, I'll post it on TheSlap.

**André**: Robbie made me feel his foot... and I LOVED it! Hey, don't judge.

**André**: Tonight is Breakfast-for-Dinner Night! My grandma may be crazy but she makes a mean French toast.

**André**: Dear Guy in the Car Next to Me, your windows aren't tinted! I can see your finger in your nose.

**André**: Why is it 20 degrees colder inside school than outside? Gonna wear a parka tomorrow.

**André**: Picking out some music to mow the yard to. I'm thinking mo-town... it just sounds right.

**André**: It's official: I'm all out of Dr. Chocostein cereal. Why can't they sell seasonal Halloween-themed cereal all year long. :(

**André**: My grandmother refuses to carve the turkey. She thinks the turkey's family is going to come after

Added by Quinha

her for revenge.

**André**: Buffalo nuggets = My new favorite food. Sorry spicy tuna, you've been replaced.

**André**: I bought fancy socks and the only people who have ever seen them were at airport security. Sock Fail.

**André**: Does anyone else think that the idea of a grown man in a costume coming down your chimney is weird?

**André**: Gonna be the ONLY one on here NOT posting about Chistmas! Awww, man. I mentioned Christmas.

**André**: Bought my grandma flowers today. She flipped 'cuz she swears the thorns are little tiny cameras for spying.

**André**: Uh, before you use the bathroom in someone's house, make sure they got toilet paper!

**André**: Would it kill somebody to kiss me on New Year's Eve? I'll take a cheek!

**André**: Man, first 4,000 birds fall from the sky then the milk in my fridge expired. What next?

**André**: I can't fake cry. What is wrong with me?

**André**: Why would anyone tie their feet to a board and jump off a mountain in the freezing stone? #snowboardingisstupid

**André**: Y'know, Wednesday is one of the weirdest looking words in the English language.

**André**: Every day I go to class and crave coconut milk. Sikowitz won't share.

**André**: Nobody offers to tickle my tummy. :(

**André**: Are fist bumps still cool? Cuz Robbie just tried to fist bump me. I don't think it's cool anymore. No offense Rob.

**André**: Sick. :( But I heard coughing is actually a good ab workout. Cough. Cough.

**André: **Is there anything that doesn't taste better BBQ'd? I dare you to name it.

**Tori**: Cereal.

**Robbie**: Milk.

**Beck**: Sushi.

**André**: Okay okay, I guess most things taste worse BBQ'd. My bad.

**André**: The Bad News: Security had to haul my cousin Kendra away. The Good News: She got offered her own talk show.

**André**: I accidentlally stepped in some wet cement so I went ahead and put my hand prints in too and signed it. Maybe it'll be worth something some day.

**André**: Just found week-old ravioli in my locker. Gave it to Sinjin. He seemed happy enough about it.

**André**: Found out the Grub Truck started selling sushi. Call me crazy but I am NOT eating sushi out of a truck.

**André**: How exactly does someone "crawl like a centipede"? I wrote the lyrics to "Beggin' on Your Knees" and even I'm not sure what it means.

**André**: Do you think regular pizza is jealous of pepperoni pizza?

**André**: My neighbor is selling his "keytar" (you know that keyboard you play like a guitar). Should I buy it? Cool or dorky?

**André**: a private Ke$ha concert! Only had to go through 617 cartons of ice cream to win it! Wait, it probably would have been cheaper to buy tickets.

**André**: You know why I never learned the trumpet? The spit valve. I don't wanny play an instrument that stores my drool.

**André**: Ow. Fell asleep on my keys. Remind me to NEVER do that again.

**André**: My grandma got freaked out when my PearPhone rang, so she smashed it with a hammer. Guess it's time to get the new PearPhone 8G...

**André**: Finally managed to detach Sherry's lips from my face. My poor lips need a vacation.

**Rex**: Robbie's lips need a job.

**André**: Had to break up with Sherry. She's doing fine... my lips are finally getting back in 'em.

**André**: Guess who I'm hangin' with RIGHT NOW?! Kenan Thompson! Dude is so cool. I'll tell you all about it later!

**André**: There's NO PARTY AT KENAN'S house! Don't listen to that puppet. (Ah, man...Kenan's gonna kill me.)

**Rex**: Ha, ha,ha!

**André**: My grandma just used my PearPad as a cookie sheet. Today I learned PearPads are not oven-safe.

**Beck**: Didn't you just have to replace your PearPhone?

**André**: Yeah, this woman is costing me a fortune.

**André:** I've got a bad case of the Thursdays. Not sure what it means, but I got it bad.

**André: **I'm allergic to dust mites and my grandma is scared of the vacuum cleaner. Something's got to give.

**André: **Anyone else think Beck kinda looks like Elvis?

**André:** Reason I love L.A. #3457: Avocado tree in my backyard = Fresh guacamole whenever I want!

**André:** Gonna rent a boat this weekend. Just call me Captain Andre! Gonna rock that boat!

**André:** Taking a break from the world! Not answering my direct messages, my private messages, my voicemail messages, my emails, my texts. #nothingpersonal

**André:** Going to the zoo for the first time in forever. I hope the monkeys don't mock me again. Traumatized me for years!

**André:** I gotta go break up with a girl who THINKS she's my girlfriend—she's NOT. Can someone say obsessive texter?

**André:** Used to be I couldn't get stung by a bee... now they won't leave me alone! Maybe I should stop using honey-scented bodywash...

**André:** Why do I watch movies about horses? They always die in the end! Anyone got any tissues?

**André:** I went to a party and took Sinjin as my wingman. I blame myself for going home dateless.

**André: **I'm horrible at tennis, ping pong, squash and badminton. I should really stay away from racket-based sports

**Sinjin:** Hey man, do you wanna play some racquetball this weekend?

**André: **Did you even look at my status update?

**Sinjin: **No, I usually just comment on things without reading them.

**André: **Had a blast on my date with Keeko... NO THANKS TO YOU GUYS AND YOUR ENDLESS FLASHBACKS!

**Cat: **I never got to do a flashback. boo :(

**Jade: **You did, but it wasn't yours. You can have some oatmeal now. Pick yourself up some on your way over here—and get me a lemonade.

**André:** Dear Neighbors, I'll stop playing the drums at night if you stop mowing your lawns at 6:30 in the morning. Deal?

**André: **I have nothing to talk about this week. Nope. Nothing. I don't have a crush on anybody! Stop asking me! Ahhh! I'm going wonky over here!

**André: **I just found a picture of me as a little kid dressed as a blue dinosaur named Zeebo. Man, what a terrible costume.

**André: **I couldn't cut it as an eskimo. The water in my shower turned cold for like 3 seconds and I nearly froze to death.

**André:** My neighbor is a fortune teller. Ironically, she couldn't predict her car was gonna get towed this morning. #FortuneFail.

**André: **My grandma refuses to shower. She says she doesn't trust "indoor rain".

**André:** I've got 3 thanksgiving dinners I have to go to: my grandma's, my dad's, and my new gf's. I'm gonna be so full of pecan pie I might explode.

**André:** When I get older, I want to have a helicopter so I never have to sit in traffic. I'd also like a pretty girl to ride in the helicopter with me.

**André:** Even though my teacher gave my Christmas song a D, I respect his decision. I just think he needs to see a doctor to get his stupid ears checked!

**André:** It's hard to get excited for Christmas without snow. Anybody know how much a snowmaker costs?

**Cat:** You can borrow my portable snowmaker from the Sky Store!

**André:** No thanks. I want snow that won't kill me if eaten.

**André:** Going to a Christmas party/ugly sweater competition. I borrowed a sweater from Sikowitz. Think I'm going to win this year.

**André:** Why do I wait until the last minute every year to go shopping? I'm the 146th person in line at the store. Just so I can buy my grandma a new pair of PJs.

**Tori:** New PJs?

**André:** Yeah, she burned her last pair because she thought they were haunted. Don't ask.

**André:** Thought things were going great with this new girl til she texted me and called me Arnold. Dating fail!

**André:** My little cousin just owned me in video game bowling. I feel so ashamed.

**André:** Why are Inside-Out burgers so addictive? 2 hours 'til dinner. Don't think I can wait! I need me some of that meaty goodness now!

**André**: Whoever just shouted "Hi" and "What's up?" to me on Sunset... I know I said "What's up?" back, but I couldn't tell who it was ... Sorry lol

**André: **Every time I see a girl with a tattoo of her bf's face I think, "Ya know that's gonna hurt to remove when y'all break up."

**André: **I'm under so much pressure to be the best. If only I was okay with being mediocre.

**André: **Should I dump my horrible girlfriend tonight BEFORE singing for her big-shot dad or AFTER? Ah, my conscience hurts!

**André:** Beck and I are playing identical twins in a new play. I just hope my grandma will be able to tell us apart.

**André:** Just got a giant paper cut. C'mon paper! What did I ever do to you? I thought we were tight!

**André:** How come every weekend I plan to go to the beach it has to rain? Nature is toying with me.

**André:** The thing I'll miss most about April Fools' Day is the feeding children. Why can't we have children feed us the other 364 days of the year?

**André:** My grandma just washed and dried my shoes in the laundry. On the plus side, they look brand new... but now they're two sizes too small.

**André: **You know you're tired when you try to lock an ATM with your car keys.

**André: **I really wish my grandma would stop dumping her bowl of oatmeal in my car. It's not doing anything for the resell value.

**André: **Met a girl at the gas station today. I wrote her a song while she pumped. Can't get more romantic than that.

**André: **I gotta take my computer keyboard to the sssssssshop. My sssssssss key keepssssssss ssssssssssticking.

**André: **No matter how bad my day's been, I always feel better when I get a guitar in my hands.

**Andre: **Festus just de-friended me. I think it's because I bad mouthed his meatloaf. I'm sorry Festus, I take it back.

**Festus: **Never diss a man's meatloaf.

**Andre: **Met Bruno Mars in a bathroom stall today. Gotta say, he's the coolest pop star i ever saw sitting on a toilet.

**Andre: **Apparently i've had a giant wad of spinach stuck in my teeth all day and not one of you said anything to me. Thanks guys! (That's sarcasm btw.)

**Andre**: I asked my grandma for a B.L.T. She made me a butter, lemon, and toffee sandwich. I think I'll make my own from now on.

**Andre**: I'm trying to write a new song about fitness. Does anyone have a good word that rhymes with cardiovascular?

**Andre:** I used to own a fish. But my grandma got rid of it because she said it was always staring at her.

**Andre:** Missing: Larry the Parrot. Reward: Well, I don't have any money, but I'll write any kind of song you want. (Except Country. Just not my thing.)

**Andre:** Boys bathroom is under construction so we have to use the girls' room. It's so nice in here. I don't think I can go back.

**Andre:** At the Asphalt Cafe. Just watched a guy in a chicken suit ride by on a unicycle. This school isn't normal.

**Andre:** Going golfing for the first time ever. I'm awesome at putt putt so I hope the skills carry over.

**Andre**: Just met a Lady Gaga look-a-like at the bus stop. Oh I forgot to mention he's an overweight, middle-aged man. Wish my car wasn't in the shop.

**Andre:** Just got back to school and found out my keyboard locker is out of tune. #HollywoodArtsProblems

**Andre:** My face when I got the last baked clam at lunch: :D My face when I realized It was just an empty shell: :'-(

**Andre: **My doctor just diagnosed me with Collywobbles. Sounds like a bad kids' music group.

**Andre:** There was a rat in my locker today. I knew I shouldn't have been storing cheese in there

**Andre:** Yes, I know! Beck and I are wearing the exact same clothes today and NO we didn't plan it out. Please keep your funny comments to yourself.

**Andre:** Why does Robbie always do the giggle chin when he flirts? And would it work if I started doing it?

**Andre:** My grandma left town cuz she thinks there'll be an earthquake tomorrow. I laughed at first, but now I'm all freaked out. Somebody hold me.

**Andre:** After being stuck with Robbie for 12 hours in a pear costume, I can't even look at green fruit anymore without feeling anxiety.

**Andre:** Why have I never heard of liquid bandages before?! I can't wait to get a paper cut so I can try it out!

**Andre:** I've been celebrating Halloween since Friday. Now it's here and I'm tired of partying. Probably gonna go to bed early tonight.

**Andre:** Okay, I COULD go and do some sit-ups right now OR I could go ahead and eat this third slice of pie. Decisions, decisions.

**Andre:** Standing in line to buy a new Pear Pad. And I don't even have to dress up like a pear to do it. Life is good.

**Andre:** I can't even look at a roll of toilet paper right now without getting chills. Can Jade really kill someone with it? Scary stuff, man.

**Andre:** I know I'm supposed to get out of bed, but I can't. Curse you incredibly warm and comfy electric blanket!

**Andre:**My grandma put our Christmas tree in the toilet to water it. It's a plastic tree. Whole lotta wrong with this situation.

**Andre:** Accidentally shrunk a t-shirt in the dryer. I was mad until all the girls started asking me if I work out. Best mistake I ever made

**Andre:** Why's everybody gotta be so down on fruitcake? I love the stuff. Eating some right now. MMMmmmmmmmm fruit cake.

**Andre:** No Grandma, aliens aren't attacking the Earth. Those are fireworks. It happens every year.

**Andre:** Chillin' at Tori's, eating a mediocre pot pie. But like I always say, "An okay pot pie is better than no pot pie."

**Tori:** First of all, I can't believe you ATE our entire Family Pot Pie! And second, I've never actually heard you say that.

**Andre:** Umm, guys… go check out Cat's profile page. Girl's gone on a tweet rampage!

**Andre:** Yes, our Slap competition was petty and wrong… but look at all the followers I got! Oh yeah! People love themselves some Andre

**Andre:** Babysitting my nephews. One of 'em just spilled OJ on my keyboard. I don't think $10 and hour even begins to cover this.

**Andre:** Hanging with that smelly-footed weirdo, Posey, and sippin' on nasty tomato juice. And I can't say NO! Curse you Sikowitz!


	7. Chapter 7 sikowitz

**Sikowitz:)**

**Sikowitz: **I am on . Now what do I do? ... and where did I put my coconut?

**Sikowitz: **As you know, school has now begun, but I, Erwin Sikowitz, have yet to return to Hollywood Arts. And that's because my list of demands (which I sent to the school administration months ago) has yet to be met.

My Demands

Coconut vending machine MUST be added to the Asphalt Cafe so that I can get my daily serving of coconut milk.

My mother MUST be banned from the Hollywood Arts premises. Every time she comes to visit, she hurts my feelings.

A pay raise would be nice. Tie-dyed clothig is back in style and becoming rather pricey.

A new PearTV MUST be installed in my classroom so I can play my acting reel on a continuous loop—for educational purposes, of course.

Have security stop searching my satchel every morning. What's inside a man's satchel should be private.

Once all of the above have been completed to my satisfaction I will return to my position teaching the dramatic arts—or until my mortgage is due whichever comes first.

**Sikowitz: **Hello students, I'm teaching again. None of my demands were met, but my mom said she'd cut me from the will if I didn't go back to work.

**Sikowitz: **Do you know if masseuses offer teacher's discounts? I have a lot of stress to be relieved!

**Sikowitz: **I dropped my harmonica in the men's room toilet.

**André: **Sorry man. I know a place where you can get another one.

**Sikowitz: **Why would I get another one?

**André: **Cuz your old one fell in a toilet.

**Sikowitz: **And your point is?

**Sikowitz: **Ping to the Pong! Isn't that what the kids are saying these days?

**Jade: **No one says that.

**Sikowitz: **Everyone wants to know what my homemade sausage is made out of. Hilarious, I know.

**Sikowitz: **Still recovering from reggae night on Sunday. What'd I miss?

**Beck: **About 2 1/2 days of school.

**Sikowitz: **No, I meant important stuff.

**Sikowitz: **Do they make special sun screen for the top-of-your-head skin?

**Sikowitz: **Trick or Treat? I pick trick. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

**Sikowitz:** Can't stop playing that Ditch the Fish game. It's starting to affect my job, my relationships, my life. Help.

**Sikowitz: **I'm running a marathon next week in Long Beach. Guess I better start practicing.

**Sikowitz: **I make my own cranberry souce. Interesting thing though, it contains no actual cranberry.

**Sikowitz:** Step right up and get a little bit of Sikowitz!

**Sikowitz: **Acting is like fishing. Only there is no fish.

**Sikowitz: **Later on, we'll perspire as we sit by the fire...

**André: **You know those AREN'T the real lyrics right?

**Sikowitz: **Yes, but sweating is funny.

**Sikowitz: **Happy Easter, Everyone!

**André: **Dude, Easter's not for like another 3 months or something. Tell me you're kidding...

**Sikowitz: **Wait, what month are we in?

**Sikowitz: **Where did the time go? I can't believe it's 2012 already!

**Rex: **Man, and you're responsible for my education?

**Sikowitz: **Man, 2011 is dragging. The 70s happened so fast they're still just a blur in my memory.

**Sikowitz: **Ahh, I love Sundays!

**Beck: **You know today's not Sunday right? It's Friday.

**Sikowitz: **Ah, Good Ghandi! How many classes have I missed so far?

**Beck: **4

**Sikowitz: **Just bought diet SOAP. Anyone know how I use it? Eat it?

**Sikowitz: **Do you think it's odd that a 34 year old man lives with his mom? Just asking cuz my friend does. Not me.

**Sikowitz: **Get this one—Had jury duty. Judge made me put on shoes! I objected! He didn't care.

**Sikowitz: **A woman told me I have "mad scientist eyebrows." Is that a good thing?

**Sikowitz: **I don't remember if I showered this morning. I don't stink, do I?

**Jade: **Do you remember if you showered yesterday? Cuz you smell the same as you did then.

**Sikowitz: **I wish they'd invent something that keeps your feet clean while walking around barefoot.

**Jade: **It's called SHOES! Get some!

**Sikowitz: **Took my mom to Vegas last weekend. She had a great time. So great in fact that she's never allowed back.

**Sikowitz: **I waited in line 9 hours for a new PearPad... It turns out it's some sort of computer.

**Robbie: **Why did you wait in line for it if you didn't know what it was?

**Sikowitz: **Don't know. Just curious I guess.

**Sikowitz: **I'm getting ready for the big Sikowitz Sleepover. Teenagers like industrial sized bottles of mayonnaise, right?

**Robbie: **We sure do!

**Rex: **He does not speak for all of us.

**Sikowitz: **I make my own toothpaste. It doesn't clean very well and it tastes like mud, but it's super cheap. Anyone wanna try some?

**Sikowitz: **Teaching teenagers is like herding cats. Except the cats are over 5 feet tall, can talk, and own cell phones. Okay, That's a bad analogy.

**Sikowitz:** For some reason, the audience didn't really buy me as a female steamboat captain. It must be the beard. Not a good look for a lady.

**Sikowitz: **My favorite class to teach is improv. My least favorite is criminal justice. Why do we even have that class?

**André: **We don't.

**Sikowitz: **Then why am I in court right now?

**Sikowitz: **Bought stuck in coconut milk cuz an expert told me it's gonna be huge! Not sure why this "expert" was washing my windshield at a gas station.

**Sikowitz:** I'm currently hanging out with a strange man in a hot tub… this party sure turned out differently than I expected.

**Sikowitz:** Just bought a foot-odor-scented air freshener for my van. Now, if anyone says my van stinks, I'll blame the air freshener!

**Sikowitz:** Spray on hair DOES NOT work. I can't believe hair in a can let me down!

**Sikowitz: **It's summer and I have waaaaaaaay too much free time. I need to do something productive ... any suggestions?

**Tori: **You could show up to teach your summer school class. I've been waiting here for 41 minutes!

**Sikowitz: **Those little crackers shaped like fish are very realistic.

**Sikowitz: **My very confused aunt keeps sending me Christmas Cards. I would say something to her, but all th cards have $20 in them. Score!

**Sikowitz:** Did anyone else see that cloud in the sky that looked like a baby giraffe riding an adult elephant?

**Sikowitz:** I had a nightmare last night that there was a kid in my class who had a puppet. How insane is that?!

**Sikowitz:** Man being famous must make you weird. This movie star at the gas station kept asking me to wash his windshield.

**Sikowitz:** Looking through some old family photos. Man... I was one ugly kid.

**Sikowitz: **I would like to know why I've never been chosen for Teacher of the Year. On a side note, I just realized I'm 3 hours late to school. Yikes!

**Sikowitz: **Did you know that some high schools teach science, math, and P.E.? What's up with that? #iLuvHollywoodArts

**Sikowitz:** The police kicked in my front door this morning cuz they had the wrong address. They didn't fix it, but they did write me a very nice apology note.

**Sikowitz: **You kids are so spoiled with your tiny laptops and cell phones. In my day, we had slightly larger laptops and cell phones.

**Jade:** When exactly WAS your day?

**Sikowitz:** You know, I'm not really sure.

**Sikowitz:** I'm only teaching at Hollywood Arts until my agent gets me an acting gig. It's been 10 years. I wonder what's taking him so long!

**Sikowitz:** My mom gave me a $5 gift certificate to the Olive Bargain! I bet I can the get never-ending bowl of NOTHING with that!

**Sikowitz:** My mom forgot to pack my lunch today. Anyone got $5 I can borrow for the Grub Truck?

**Sikowitz: **I'm off to a parade in a giant cupcake with 7 children and a puppet. Good gravy! My life's a fairy tale!

**Sikowitz: **I switched banks cuz the new one gives out lollipops. Turns out though, they charge you 12 dollars per pop.

**Sikowitz:**Wait, it's Halloween already? What happened to Easter? Did I miss it?

**Sikowitz:** I wish Hollywood Arts would stop scheduling classes during my nap time. I'm not a good teacher when I'm tired.

**Rex:** Man you must be tired a lot.

**Sikowitz:** Thinking about getting a second job as a mall Santa cuz 1) The hat will cover my baldness. 2) I can eat whatever I want.

**Sikowitz: **I can say "coconut" in 13 different languages. You might say that's pointless. Well, if we're ever in Malaysia, I won't share my "kelapa" with you.

**Sikowitz:** My new vegan girlfriend is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm making a regular turkey, but I'm telling her it's vegan.

**Sikowitz:** Holy Ravioli! I accidentally set my alarm for 7 PM! Maybe no one noticed I missed school again.

**Sikowitz:** Christmas yodeling has been a family tradition ever since my great-grandfather was kicked out of Switzerland in 1947 for yodeling badly.

**Sikowitz:** It's a school half-day. You know what that means? Faculty Tea Party!

**Sikowitz:** I've got family staying with me for the holidays so I need to hide my garden gnome collection. My grandma is gnomaphobic.

**Sikowitz:** Attacked by a family of possums while decorating my Christmas Bush in the front yard. Maybe THIS is why people have Christmas trees INDOORS!

**Sikowitz:** Left my toothbrush at school and security won't let me come in and get it. Well, what am I supposed to do? Buy a new one?!

**Jade:** YES! That's exactly what you're supposed to do.

**Sikowitz:** And waste 3 dollars!

**Tori:** Wait, you haven't brushed your teeth all vacation?

**Sikowitz:** The batteries in my electric drill are dead and I need some coconut milk!

**Robbie:** Many monkeys open coconuts by banging them on a pointy rock.

**Sikowitz:**Did you bring a pointy rock to school today?

**Robbie:** Uh, no.

**Sikowitz:** Then what good are you?

**Sikowitz:** Just downloaded the Perfect Potty app. I have no idea what it does but I hope it was worth the $49.99.

**Tori:** You bought an app for 49 dollars and you don't know what it does?!

**Sikowitz:** I figured it had to be really good if it was that expensive.

**Sikowitz:** I wish I was up for the role of a really obese guy. That way, I could eat all I wanted and not have to worry about dieting. #DreamJob

**Sikowitz:** Uh oh. It's almost Sunshine Girl Fudge Ball season. I better start training my eating muscles now!

**Sikowitz:** Lesson learned the hard way: zippers on your shirt are a bad idea if you're a man with a hairy chest.

**Sikowitz:** Just dropped a coconut on my pinky toe. Y'know maybe THIS is why people wear shoes

**Sikowitz:** The only worse thing than ROTTEN coconut milk is NO coconut milk. And that's why I drank rotten coconut milk this morning.

**Sikowitz:** I was just informed that I'm not allowed to shuck oysters in my classroom. Man, when did Hollywood Arts get so strict.

**Sikowitz:** I just turned Tori and Jade into a married couple. It's a march miracle

**Sikowitz:** Should I go snorkelling if I'm afraid of fish?

**Sikowitz:** Grading papers. Every time I come across a stupid answer, I take a sip of coconut milk. I've gone through 4 coconuts on just Robbie's paper alone.

**Sikowitz:** I can't believe I was blown up today. Not a good way to start the morning.

**Sikowitz:** I love having a costume department at school, because some days you just want to teach while dressed like a wizard.

**Sikowitz:** Happy Wednesday! Nothing like a 5 day weekend to really rejuvenate the senses.

**Beck:** It's actually a three day weekend. You're supposed to be in school today.

**Sikowitz:** Oh, well, Cat you're in charge for the next two days.

**Cat:** Yayyyyyyy! Let's all tickle each other!

**Sikowitz:** Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary since I kicked that annoying foot fungus. I'm one-year fungus free! CONGRATS to me!

**Sikowitz: **Had an emergency root canal this morning before class and I think the laughing gas is finally wearing off. I didn't say anything crazy today did I?

**Andre: **You told us you felt shiny.

**Cat: **And that you were related to the Queen of England.

**Tori: **And to never let the Secret Service into your classroom.

**Sikowitz: **So nothing crazy? What a relief.

**Sikowitz: **I don't see why it's inappropriate to wear LOUNGE pants in the teacher's LOUNGE!

**Sikowitz: **That Sri Lankan coconut was 3 weeks old and rotten, and it may have given me visions, but it's STILL the best coconut milk I've ever drunk.

**Sikowitz: **I auditioned for the role of a bald guy in an independent film. I lost the part because I had too much hair. It's a good feeling.

**Sikowitz: ** doctor's office reading a magazine. Tom and Katie finally tied the knot! Guess i haven't been to the doctor in a few years.

**Sikowitz**: You know, it really IS nice to get out and help clean up the community every once in a while. Even if it is court ordered.

**Sikowitz: **Seems as if my bathing trousers are a little tight this year, i'm not buying a new one. So LA will just have to deal with it.

**Sikowitz: **Sorry if I'm a bit sweaty. I forgot to do laundry and my only clean underwear was a pair of long johns. They are not meant to be worn in summer.

**Sikowitz:** I tried to book a trip to Alaska this summer, but I accidentally bought a ticket to Arkansas. Guess I bought snow boots for nothing.

**Sikowitz:** Currently in my PJs, kicking my feet up, and enjoying a tall glass of coconut milk.

**Andre: **Yeah, that sounds great and all but you probably shouldn't be doing that in class.

**Sikowitz:** Oh, is that why you're all here?

**Sikowitz:** At the LA Cheese Fest. Think I've eaten about 10 pounds of cheddar. That's probably more than you're supposed to have in a lifetime.

**Sikowitz:** Just finished planting a coconut tree in backyard. Why have I never thought of that before!?

**Sikowitz:** Apparently school started back up today. Really should have set my alarm clock. Oops.

**Sikowitz:** Fell asleep on the beach. Woke up to sand crabs in my shorts. Not a good wake up call.

**Sikowitz: **Downside to not having hair: I spend a lot more on sun lotion every summer.

**Sikowitz: **I need to start dressing up- start looking more professional. I think I'll wear socks today.

**Sikowitz:** -$700 is never a number you want to see on your bank statement. Anyone have +$700 I could borrow?

**Sikowitz:** It's like 100 degrees out today and I forgot my deodorant. I hope nobody can tell.

**Jade:** Believe me, we can tell.

**Rex:** Just thought it was your new deodorant scent: Sweaty Hippie.

**Sikowitz:** Instead of mowing, I'm just going to let the weeds in my front lawn grow tall and call it a spooky maze. I love Halloween time!

**Sikowitz:** I totally forgot I ordered a new coconut cracker until it arrived in the mail today! It's like a surprise gift from myself!

**Sikowitz:** Did you know Jack-O-Lanterns used to be made from coconuts? That was before the Pumpkin Growers Association ruined the holiday.

**Sikowitz:** Here's a fun extra credit activity: Come clean my house! If you get the floor all nice and shiny you get an A+ for the semester!

**Sikowitz:** Today is Thanksgiving?! BRB- gotta go buy and stuff a turkey.

**Sikowitz:** I think I'll make coconut cookies this year for Christmas. That way, if Santa doesn't show, then at least Sikowtiz gets a tasty treat.

**Sikowitz: ** I'm cooking pancakes for breakfast! Except, I couldn't find a pan. And they're kinda pie-shaped. I don't know what I'm doing.

**Sikowitz:** That's the second time I've been egged while bathing! Can't a man shower in peace!

**Sikowitz:** I'm currently trying to identify an object I found in my beard. I think it's tuna, but I haven't eaten sushi in days. Hmmmm...

**Sikowitz:** I found a coconut in the men's bathroom today. I'll drink it if it's not claimed after 3 hours. Or before that if I get really thirsty.


	8. Chapter 8 lane

**Lane Alexander, guidance consouler**

**Lane: **I just joined the lotion of the month club. First up: Cookies and Cream!

**Tori:** Lane! You're on TheSlap!

**Lane:** Yeah, I thought TheSlap was student only, til I found out Sikowitz was on here, so I signed up too!

**Sikowitz:** I'm on TheSlap? Since when?

**Lane: **Attention all students: It's currently the school counselor's nap time. Try not to have any problems for the next hour. Thank you!

**Lane: **Synthetic wicker is okay, but there's nothing like the feeling of sitting on all-nature, hand-woven wicker!

**Lane**: I'm a school counselor, not a fashion consultant. I will not help you pick out your outfits everycurrent avatar

Added by Catsvalentine

morning. So stop calling me, Trina!

**Trina:** Then what good are you?!

**Lane**: I would love to have a road named after me. Wouldn't it be cool to live on Lane Lane?

**Lane: **Etiquette Tip: Students should not make out in the stairwells. Besides it being tacky, it's also a fire hazard.

**Lane: **My brother's a chiropractor. He says that wicker chairs aren't good for your posture. We haven't spoken in years.

**Lane:** School is almost here! If you have any questions about your classes or need help picking out a lotion for your skin type, please feel free to ask.

**Lane: **Whoever keeps switching out my hand lotions with glue, please stop. My hands don't enjoy being stuck together.

**Lane:** My good friend FREDDIE BENSON was at the play with me last night! I've got connections! JEALOUS?!

**André:** Not really, we're ALL friends with Freddie. We met him at Kenan's party.

**Lane: **Oh. Drat! Well... I ALSO know Jack Black and that guy from The Big Bang Theory! Jealous now?

**André:** I like those guys. Can you get them to come to our performance this weekend?

**Lane: **Well I don't really know them, but I've seen them... in person.

**Lane: **Had 4 dogs follow me to school today. Guess buying bacon-scented hand lotion was kind of a bad move.

**Lane: **I found a new PearPad on the ground, so I tracked down it's owner and gave it back. I really hope the karma I just earned is worth at least $500!

**Lane:** I want to see some creativity in this year's costume contest or you're disqualified. Just wearing cat ears IS NOT a costume!

**Cat: **But I always wear cat ears!

**Cat:** Get it?

**Cat:** Cuz my name is Cat and I have ears...Cat ears!

**Jade:** Yes we get it! Now stop commenting!

**Lane:** I originally wanted to be a Guy Dance Counselor. Instead I'm just a guidance counselor. So close, but def not as cool.

**Lane: **Hit the sauna with Rex this morning. He started melting. We had to get him outta there fast!

**Lane: **How do we have 12 janitors on staff and the same dead cockroach's been in the men's bathroom all week?

**Lane:** You're supposed to tip your garbage man at the end of the year, but NOT your school counselor?! What kind of world do we live in?

**Lane:** Pickle-scented lotion = not as good as it sounds. Ew.

**Tori:** Um, if it's not as good as it sounds. And it sounds gross in the first place. It must be REALLY gross!

**Lane:** My job at the staff Christmas party: keeping Sikowitz from sitting on the photocopier again. Anyone wanna trade?

**Lane:** Anyone wanna buy a 1998 4-door sedan with 195,000 miles and an electrical issue?

**André:** Lane, you need to work on your sales pitch.

**Lane:** I got family back East complaining about shoveling snow. Meanwhile, I'm mowing my lawn. Might go swimming later. #ChristmasinCali

**Lane:** I got in trouble for dancing in the laundry room at my building. Man, those people take all the fun out of folding socks.

**Lane: **Uh oh, the coffee maker isn't working. I think I'm just going to call it a day now. Goodbye everyone.

**Lane:** Anyone wanna go with me to the International Lotion Convention this weekend? Imagine it! Lotion samples from around the world!

**Sikowitz:** Any coconut scented lotions perchance?

**Lane:** Ladies, tone down the perfume while at school! Orange + Lavender + Ocean Breeze. It smells like Mother Nature threw up.

**Jade:** Oooh, Lane. Welcome to the land of the bitter and angry! Nice to have some company!

**Lane: **Oatmeal by itself... okay. Raisins by themselves... alright. An oatmeal and raisin cookie... Heaven.

**Lane:** Had something stuck between my teeth , used my PearPhone to check it out. In related news, sorry to whomever I just sent a closeup of my molars.

**Sikowitz: **I was wondering why you sent me a picture of your tooth. Now i know, Apology accepted.

**Lane: **I got a bunch of cupcakes delivered to my office as a thank you but they didn't include any milk! How am I supposed to eat them now?

**Lane: **The best thing about pizza is eating cold pizza for breakfast the next morning. Don't knock it 'til you try it.

**Lane: **Flying to New York for the weekend. Hopefully Hollywood will still be here when I get back.

**Lane: **Almost stepped on a rattlesnake! Hiking can be dangerous!

**Jade: **Yeah, there should really be some sort of warning that you're about to step on a rattlesnake. Like a rattling noise or something.

**Lane: **No need to get all grunchy.

**Lane: **Ugh, it never rains in LA...except the day I forget to put the top up on my convertible.

**Lane: **I wish the school would let me put a jacuzzi in my office. Sometimes I think better when I soak.

**Lane: **Attention Students: We will be re-asphalting the Asphalt Cafe today. All students must eat their lunches in the indoor cafeteria.

**Tori**: We have an indoor cafeteria?

**Jade**: I refuse to believe it.

**Lane: **At airport security. They won't let me take my lotion on board. This vacation is off to a bad start.

**Lane:** I have a doctor's appointment coming up so everyone please try not to need any guidance this Thursday morning from 10-11:30.

**Lane: **I decided to taste the batter of a chocolate pound cake I was making and ended up eating the entire bowl. I preheated the oven for nothing. :(

**Lane: **I just brought towels for the guest bathroom! Wow, my vacation is so boring.

**Lane: **Playing solitaire. Three cards at a time. I know one card at a time is easier but I like living on the edge.

**Lane:** Oh no! All the lotion in my office dried out over the summer. Looks like I have some online shopping to do.

**Lane:** If I wasn't a school counselor, I'd probably be a weatherman. Believe it or not it's more predictable than teenagers!

**Lane:** No, printer you are not out of ink! I just refilled you! Don't lie to me!

**Lane:** I don't know why I even own rain boots.

**Lane:** I think all of my students are awesome! Well, except that barbershop quartet. Man, those guys are annoying.

**Lane:** Okay, watching daytime TV makes me never want to be sick enough to miss work ever again.

**Lane:**Just bought an $8 plum at Hey Foods! I don't splurge on much... but I make an exception for fancy fruits and lotions.

**Lane:** Not mentioning any names, but teachers are NOT allowed to offer extra credit to students for cleaning their houses.

**Sikowitz:** Oh, in that case, who wants to come clean my house for no extra credit?

**Lane:** From this day forth, "sassing" is strictly prohibited at Hollywood Arts. That means you, Mr. Shapiro.

**Lane:** I love all the gifts you guys gave me this year! Except the used exercise VHS. Thanks but no thanks.

**Festus:** Aww, man. I paid almost $2 for that! Talk about ungrateful.


	9. Chapter 9 sinjin

**Sinjin Van Cleef the weirdo**

**Sinjin**: I'm starting a petition to get Jade to like me. "Like" this if you think I have a chance.

**Sinjin**: I wrote poems about Jade. I hope she reads them. They describe my feelings for her:

Poem 1:

Smile, yours is so white, The enamel on your teeth Is the highlight of my life.

Poem 2:

Just talked to Beck. Said you guys broke up.

I am your rebound.current avatar

Added by Catsvalentine

Poem 3:

Don't like me like that? There's always Tori or Cat But Trina scares me.

**Jade:** I can't believe this creep wrote poems about me and my own boyfriend never has!

**Beck:** Wait, some creep writes a poem about you and you blame me!? EXPLAIN THAT!

**Sinjin**: Still waiting for the gang to pick me up on our Venice Beach trip. I texted Jade, but she didn't answer. Waiting outside, man is it hot!

**Sinjin**: I got a app that says if your milk was expired. It didn't work.

**Sinjin**: It's so hot inside. I've been sleeping outside. I'm nice and cool... but covered with bug bites :(

**Sinjin**: Somebody said I was creepy today. Agree? Disagree?

**Sinjin**: Cutting my hair with one of those razors you hook up to the vacuum. Best haircut ever.

**Sinjin**: Bought a hair straightener. Straightened my hair. Results were disastrous.

**Sinjin**: Will people take me seriously if I start waxing my legs?

**Tori:** ...

**Andre**: ...

**Robbie:** ...

**Sinjin**: Jade has a very lovely home.

**Jade:** That's it, I'm buying a guard dog.

**Sinjin**: My mom accidentally shrunk my skinny jeans. Now I can't bend my legs.

**Sinjin**: I sit behind Jade in homeroom. She has the prettiest earlobes.

**Sinjin**: I've started doing eyebrow pushups. I now probably have the strongest brows in my class.

**Sinjin**: I just lost a raisin in my hair. Last time this happened it took me hours to find it.

**Sinjin**: I've been watching a show about hoarders—ya know, people who keep like everything. Sounds fun!

**Sinjin**: Happy St. Patrick's Day!

**Trina**: It was last week, weirdo.

**Sinjin**: I just got ask out by a hot blonde cheerleader ... APRIL FOOL'S! Nobody asked me out! Looks like the joke's on you!

**Sinjin**: Have you ever had one of those days where you show up at school and realized you forgot to put on pants?

**Sinjin**: I just got invited to be in a boy hair show. I didn't know those existed.

**Sinjin**: A rat snuck into our kitchen last night. Awesom! I've been wantin a new pet!

**Sinjin**: Working on a new gum flavor: Triple A Battery. It's quite shocking.

**Sinjin**: Bought a used retainer at a yard sale! Straight teeth: here I come!

**Sinjin**: Will someone please teach me how to dance? My grandma refuses to do it anymore.

**Sinjin**: What should the next wad of food on my locker be? I'm feeling meatloaf. Any other suggestions?

**Sinjin**: I found cat throw up in my backpack this morning. I'm half disgusted/half excited to glue it to my locker.

**Sinjin**: You know who I'd love to meet? The entire cast of iCarly. Probably won't ever happen though.

**Sinjin**: Does anyone else at Hollyward Arts have lice? I can't be the only one, right?

**Sikowitz**: Sinjin, I think I speak for everyone here when I say I'm not coming to school today... or for the rest of the week.

**Sinjin**: Sweater vests will NEVER go out of style!

**Sinjin: **Had an indoor picnic in my living room. Was attacked by an ants. Maybe my mom should call pest control.

**Sinjin: **I finally finished rearranging my underwear by color: lightest to darkest. My summer is really boring.

**Sinjin: **Wanna hear how I got my name? Yeah, I'd like to know too! #weirdname

**Sinjin:** I think my ankles are bloated. My socks are too tight. Gotta lay off the pretzels.

**Sinjin:** Hired someone to write funny status updates for me. Jade fired her. She was too cute.

**Sinjin:** Found a chunk of meatloaf under my pillow. Not sure how or when it got there, but it was delicious.

**Trina:** Every time I think about you, I want to throw up in my mouth.

**Sinjin:** At least you think about me.

**Sinjin:** I got asked to pose for the cover of the 2012 Awkward Teenage Boys Calendar. Should I be insulted or flattered?

**Sinjin: **Drove across the state to see the country's largest gas station. My family takes the worst vacations.

**Sinjin: **Saw Lady Gaga at the farmers market (at least I think it was her). Asked her if she liked my sock puppet video. She pretended not to hear me.

**Sinjin: **Can I stay with anyone while my house is being fumigated?

**Rex: **No.

**Andre: **Sorry.

**Beck:** uh...no.

**Sinjin: **Oh… okay. I've always wanted to sleep in a tent anyways.

**Sinjin: **I found a tooth on the street today! Sometimes I cannot believe how lucky I am!

**Tori: **Wait... you've been carrying around a street-tooth all day? And you don't find anything wrong with this?

**Sinjin: **Quite the opposite, Tori. There's nothing more right.

**Tori: **Ew.

**Sinjin: **Went to the gym. Fell off the treadmill. Broke a toe. I'm done going to the gym for awhile.

**Sinjin: **For my birthday, my parents got me a stick I can scratch my back with. I wanted a car, but you take what you can get.

**Sinjin: **Do skunks know how bad they smell? And if they do, do you think it makes them depressed?

**Sinjin: **Today I learned that mayonnaise makes a perfectly good substitute for hair gel. I had to use a lot though, so now my turkey sandwich is mayo-less.

**Tori: **I think I'm done with mayo for forever.

**Sinjin: **I made my own pants from bits of leftover carpet. I call them... carpet pants. I'm not very good at naming things.

**Sinjin: **Did you know that a lifeguard can kick you off the beach for being too awkward and gangly? I found that out the hard way.

**Sinjin:** A monkey at the zoo sneezed on me and now I think I have the flu. Sorry in Advance if I get you sick.

**Beck:** You can't get sick from a monkey sneezing on you. Animals have different germs than humans.

**Jade:** Is Sinjin human?

**Sinjin:** Halloween pumpkin is rotting on my front porch. I'll bring it to school tomorrow if anyone wants to sniff it.

**Sinjin:** Do I have the only family that does pizza on Thanksgiving instead of turkey? Is that weird?

**Sinjin:** Sikowitz didn't show up to school again so Jade decided to take over. She gave everyone detention—but she looked pretty doing it.

**Sinjin:** Do you know how hard it is to keep my hair looking this good all the time? Not very hard actually. My hair's just awesome I guess.

**Sinjin: **My facial hair was getting out of control, so I had to shave this morning. Never letting that happen again.

**Beck:**You have facial hair?

**Sinjin:** Yeah. Enough that I had to shave it off. #crazy.

**Sinjin:** Why is getting coal in your stocking a bad thing? In a couple of thousand years it can turn into a diamond! Van Cleefs in the future are gonna be rich!

**Sinjin:** My stomach growled so loudly I thought it was my phone vibrating. Then I realized I was just hungry... and no one called me.

**Sinjin:** I decided to cancel my gym membership. Why mess with perfection?

**Sinjin:** I saw some pics of myself when I was younger. Man, my hair was ridiculous back then.

**Jade:** Yeah it's totally awesome now.

**Sinjin:** Really, Jade? You think so?

**Jade:** No.

**Sinjin:** Y'know, I think Jade would like me more if I straightened my hair. BRB! Off to the barber!

**Jade:** I still wouldn't like you, but it would definitely be an improvement.

**Sinjin:** Late night talks on the phone with my girlfriend are the best! I already have the phone... now I just need the girl!

**Sinjin:** Thinking about going solo on Valentine's Day this year. Betcha it'll be really easy to get a table for one!

**Sinjin: **This Saturday, come to a taping of my new game show: Queries for Couples! Live from Northridge!

**Rex:** You know I'll be there!

**Sinjin:** I emptied the vacuum bag at my house. It's full of Cat hair. I don't own a cat. The mystery thickens

**Sinjin:** I frequently take pictures by myself in photo booths. That's not weird right?

**Robbie:** No, of course not. I do it all the time!

**Sinjin:** My family's going on a trip this weekend and we're staying in a motel! It's gonna be hard going back to the real world after all this!

**Sinjin:** I sent a dozen roses to myself but only three roses showed up. Not gonna complain though, three is better than nothing.

**Sinjin:** I have a giant knot in my hair. I think it's because I forgot to brush for …oh… I'd say at least 2 or 3 days.

**Sinjin:** Anyone want to go with me to get my tetanus shot? I have a habit of passing out in the presence of needles.

**Sinjin:** I accidentally got my foot stuck in the men's room urinal. Can anyone come and help? (Boys only)

**Robbie:** Been there, man.

**Andre:** How? How did you do that?

**Tori:** Ugh, urinals gross me out.

**Sinjin: **Trina asked me out during her first week at Hollywood Arts. I turned her down. Sinjin can smell desperation.

**Sinjin: **They're handing out free sunscreen in the school hallway today! Best! Day! Ever!

**Sinjin: **My barber just quit mid-haircut. Is my hair really that bad?

**Sinjin: **If i had a nickel for every time my cat threw up in my shoes, I'd have $4.85.

**Sinjin**: So glad my aunt finally got indoor plumbing. I'll never have to use an outhouse ever again!

**Sinjin: **Has anyone seen Burf? I'm working on an art project and he was supposed to model for , models are so difficult to work with.

**Sinjin: **My buddy Burf doesn't have his own Slap page yet. He says the world isn't ready for that much Burf yet.

**Sinjin:** Nothing like a good hip hop dance class to really get your heart going! Good work out ladies!

**Sinjin:** accidentally went thru the car wash with my windows down. Now my seats are wet, squishy, and soapy.

**Sinjin: **I found a chewed piece of meat that completely matches my outfit. What a lucky day!

**Sinjin:** Yesssss! Skinny jeans are on, with plenty of room in the waist for pizza. Gonna be a good night.

**Sinjin:** A guy stole my shoes on Hollywood Blvd today. But he said "Have a nice day" as he was running away. Nicest mugger I ever met.

**Sinjin: **I've taken up knitting. In exactly 4 days, I'll have a brand new bathing suit!

**Sinjin:** A bat just flew into my house! Looks like the VanCleefs have ourselves a new pet!

**Sinjin:** Y'know, you always hear about Crazy Cat Ladies, but never Crazy Cat Men. Maybe I'll become the first one ever!

**Sinjin:** If I could have any super power in the world, it would probably be the ability to straighten my hair with my mind.

**Sinjin: **Waiting in line with Burf at Wanko's for the big sale tomorrow! Any ladies wanna skip ahead and snuggle with us? We'll be here all night.

**Sinjin: **Man, there's so much good free food just lying around on the ground! Hollywood Arts is awesome!

**Sinjin: **Fun Fact: My morning breath smells exactly like 3 day old oatmeal.

**Sinjin:** They found my mom in Mexico! I hope she brings back a piñata for my birthday!

**Sinjin:** Flush Injustice! Support Tinkle-Aid! #BoysforEqualRestrooms

**Sinjin:** I had 4 butternut squashes in my locker and now they're gone! Either Burf knows my locker combination or Hollywood Arts has a ghost!

**Sinjin:** My neighbor said it was weird that I dig through his trash cans at night. I don't think so, he has much better trash than my family does.

**Sinjin:** It's the holiday season once again! Time for the Van Cleef traditional "Inflating of the Rubber Christmas Tree!"

**Sinjin:** Currently have my head shoved in a butterfly terrarium. Don't bother texting me, I'm super busy.

**Sinjin:** Finally found a girl who appreciates a good sock puppet show. Or as she calls it: ¡un espectáculo de títeres de calcetín!

**Sinjin:** I'm about to take my last bath of 2012! Hope it's a good one!

**Sinjin:** Say what you will about the Flour Bomber, the guy knows how to rock a one piece.

**Sinjin:** I just won an ugly sweater contest! True, I didn't know I was IN the contest, but a win's a win right!

**Sinjin:** At the mall, returning my grandma's gift. She got me NON-skinny jeans! It's like she doesn't even know me!

**Sinjin:** As a former nose picker, I feel like Jade and I really share a connection now. A sweet, snotty connection.

**Sinjin:** That's the second time in my life a toilet's been dropped on me. At least this time it was empty.

**Sinjin:** Stray Hallway Sodas! Yes! #BestDayEver!

**Sinjin:** Just got back from my man-date with Beck! We had a great time. I hope we can do it again soon!

**Beck:** Yeah, any time you want…. as long as you promise to never call it a "Man-Date".


End file.
